Lately, I have been remembering and realizing all of the reasons I hate myself.
Some of them I will not mention, but those reasons are rooted deep, and are totally plausible and unarguable reasons for me to hate myself.
But other than that cluster of problems, I have this problem where I feel like it's fine for me to think I am ugly, but I think every other guy should find my fucking hot. Of course I know this is ridiculous, and I know most of them won't because they are straight, but I still get almost mad when guys don't find me attractive.
This leads me to another reason why I hate myself. I have this RIDICULOUS jealousy problem. Any guy that I find attractive, I get jealous over every time I see them staring at any girl or any girl staring at that guy.
I have well, tons of examples. Many many examples. This is one of the problems that I have experienced with most guys actually. It is also usually a slight annoyance when one of my friends get a new boyfriend.
Kind of related to the one before the last one, is that often if I think a guy is even slightly bi or gay, or if I happen to like him a lot, then I will think he is into me if he even gives me a smile. That usually leads to pain and stupidity. I now know when I am having one of these problems but... ugh.
Today was one of those days where I really noticed it. One of my guy friends, whom I have been attracted to for the longest time, recently broke up with his girlfriend. He is really flirtatious with just about everyone, and I experienced all three of the problems that I just described. I got mad that flirted with me when I knew he didn't want me, I got jealous cause he flirted with other girls(which he did before, but I usually didn't care), and at one point just cause we were sitting next to me and our feet touched, and he looked at me and smiled and it felt like we looked at each other for a bit longer than normal, I was practically ready to go.
Honestly if he were to make any implication that he would actually be willing to do anything I would be like... right there and now, but that's another problem entirely.
But yeah...
Then... I'm so lonely... And now, because I'm thinking about these problems...
Mer... It's just... As I walk around school alone, I look at everyone that I pass... and there will be times when I see a someone looking at a guy or a girl like they are the only person in the room. I see it with Cambian and Dennis, Dakota and JayJay. There are couples around school where it's like they just can't be apart, like they need one another.
I just want a guy who will feel that way about me. It may be fuckin selfish, but why can't I want that if everyone else gets it.
It's one of the reasons I get so jealous when I see guys staring at girls...
I feel like... no guy has ever looked at me like that. No guy has ever wanted me so much that they've tried with all of their might to resist me, but in the end couldn't help it and pinned me to a wall even though we are in public...
It's stupid, and well... I don't know. That brings me to another point, do I want to hold off until I find a guy who wants me like no other and needs me and desires me in every physical way but also in every emotional and mental way. Do I want to wait for a man that wants me like a drug, a man that will actually try to work out a long-term relationship with me. Or do I just want a guy that will just use me up physically and then leave me to waste...
The answer should be obvious... but the likeliness to find someone who would actually go through a long term relationship with me is slim to none... so fuck...
Fuck my life.
Kyle
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Monday, November 30, 2009
Thanksgiving break is over, and now I find myself back at school.
Same old thing as ever, except we are only here for three weeks before Christmas break starts. Woo!
For me the break was generally uneventful, but I enjoyed it. Unfortunately, most of my plans to hang out with people fell through, and I spent a lot of time stuck in the house.
Thanksgiving itself was, well, kinda interesting. It involved going to my grandparents on my mom's side's house, walking to the canal down a hill from Mariah's house, smoking under the bridge for said canal, and then going back to my grandparent's house and taking a nap xD
It wasn't too bad.
As usual I don't have as much to say when I'm in a positive mood sooo...
Peace bitches
:P Kyle
Same old thing as ever, except we are only here for three weeks before Christmas break starts. Woo!
For me the break was generally uneventful, but I enjoyed it. Unfortunately, most of my plans to hang out with people fell through, and I spent a lot of time stuck in the house.
Thanksgiving itself was, well, kinda interesting. It involved going to my grandparents on my mom's side's house, walking to the canal down a hill from Mariah's house, smoking under the bridge for said canal, and then going back to my grandparent's house and taking a nap xD
It wasn't too bad.
As usual I don't have as much to say when I'm in a positive mood sooo...
Peace bitches
:P Kyle
Friday, November 20, 2009
K: Weird ponderings
I was in a very insightful mood this evening that I realized that the method of suicide that had always sounded so appealing was hanging myself. It would also have to be from a height that if I were to be able to force myself to jump I would have no chance of survival, and that the death would be caused by the snapping of my neck not the suffocating of my lungs.
I just imagined like, standing on a tall lamp post and just walking off of it with a noose around me neck.
And I like lamp posts.
I just imagined like, standing on a tall lamp post and just walking off of it with a noose around me neck.
And I like lamp posts.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
K: What I want to tell those people...
I am a very angry person lately, and you see, every single time one of you swine open your disgusting mouths, and begin to spew the SHIT that you do, I get more angry. Eventually, I will snap. Guess what!
It is you SWINE that will feel the full force of my wrath!
I may have to go to your little church on Wednesdays, but that means nothing.
I do not want to hear about your fucked up god, and I do not want to hear a WORD out of that book of deceit!
I will not hear your lies, and your brainwashing does not work on me.
You are also not allowed to give me a single order. I will do what I want, when I want. That means that I will listen to my music when I want, which will be most of the time. I will leave when I want, regardless of what you say.
I will not break the law in your little church, I will not break any of your little rules like having food and drink in the sanctuary, and I will not try and convert any of your little zombies away from the demon's grasp you have on their minds.
Tell them all of the lies and twisted truths you want.
Destroy their ability to think for themselves, and force them to lead boring uneventful lives.
Just stay the fuck away from me and leave me alone.
It is you SWINE that will feel the full force of my wrath!
I may have to go to your little church on Wednesdays, but that means nothing.
I do not want to hear about your fucked up god, and I do not want to hear a WORD out of that book of deceit!
I will not hear your lies, and your brainwashing does not work on me.
You are also not allowed to give me a single order. I will do what I want, when I want. That means that I will listen to my music when I want, which will be most of the time. I will leave when I want, regardless of what you say.
I will not break the law in your little church, I will not break any of your little rules like having food and drink in the sanctuary, and I will not try and convert any of your little zombies away from the demon's grasp you have on their minds.
Tell them all of the lies and twisted truths you want.
Destroy their ability to think for themselves, and force them to lead boring uneventful lives.
Just stay the fuck away from me and leave me alone.
Monday, November 16, 2009
K: The dreams I just had...
I remember about three pieces of the overall dream. I think it was all kind of connected, but it felt almost like it was disconnected too......
There was something in the beginning that I can't remember, and somewhere in the beginning I was gonna start selling drugs, bu Cambian stopped me, and I decided that she was right.
Eventually I reached a point where I was seeing flashes of some of the kids that I recognized as some the kids that have walked darker paths; I saw Shorty, Perry, and kids that I had just felt what they had done before. Soon enough the flashes came to a stop with Maci and a group of friends of hers, and Cambian and I.
Now the dream moved into real-time. Cambian and I were hanging out, and I saw Maci alone. I just kinda started saying, "Hey look! It's kinda sad she's the only one of her group left..." And then Cambian picked me up and carried me down the hallway towards the front door.
The dream shifted a bit after this. Cambian, Whitney, possibly Dennis, and I were hanging out near the doors to the school, and one of us said something about going across the street, so we went outside... and the school grounds were beautiful. The school was on a grassy hill. The sky was a calming, lovely gray. A creek was running next to the hill, and it was an icy dark blue. The hill was kind of a plateau, with a flat top. The dark green was pretty and wet from recent rain. There were a series of puddles near the front of the school, and a bunch of the guys from the school were playing football in a muddy patch next to it. We talked and hung out there for a little bit before I ran out and started hopping in puddles. I slipped and fell into one and couldn't get up no matter what. But I was laughing happily, even though I kept saying that it was freezing cold. Haha none of them would help me up either!
It was a really weird dream, with a very unclear meaning, but I woke up really calm and relaxed. It was awesome.
-Kyle
There was something in the beginning that I can't remember, and somewhere in the beginning I was gonna start selling drugs, bu Cambian stopped me, and I decided that she was right.
Eventually I reached a point where I was seeing flashes of some of the kids that I recognized as some the kids that have walked darker paths; I saw Shorty, Perry, and kids that I had just felt what they had done before. Soon enough the flashes came to a stop with Maci and a group of friends of hers, and Cambian and I.
Now the dream moved into real-time. Cambian and I were hanging out, and I saw Maci alone. I just kinda started saying, "Hey look! It's kinda sad she's the only one of her group left..." And then Cambian picked me up and carried me down the hallway towards the front door.
The dream shifted a bit after this. Cambian, Whitney, possibly Dennis, and I were hanging out near the doors to the school, and one of us said something about going across the street, so we went outside... and the school grounds were beautiful. The school was on a grassy hill. The sky was a calming, lovely gray. A creek was running next to the hill, and it was an icy dark blue. The hill was kind of a plateau, with a flat top. The dark green was pretty and wet from recent rain. There were a series of puddles near the front of the school, and a bunch of the guys from the school were playing football in a muddy patch next to it. We talked and hung out there for a little bit before I ran out and started hopping in puddles. I slipped and fell into one and couldn't get up no matter what. But I was laughing happily, even though I kept saying that it was freezing cold. Haha none of them would help me up either!
It was a really weird dream, with a very unclear meaning, but I woke up really calm and relaxed. It was awesome.
-Kyle
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Thursday, November 5, 2009
K: Fuck my life man!!!
:/
.......
My mom is a bitch.
School feels... wrong.
My heart feels like it's snapping.
Everything is off................
UGH FUCK!
All I wanna do is go and slash at myself like fucking crazy.
I feel so shitty. Nothing is working out... My mom just spent the last half hour bitching at me for my sleeping habits and grades. My grades are great, they're better than they have been in years. My sleeping habits have ALWAYS been awful, and they haven't interfered with my schooling yet, and now that they have, I already started sleeping earlier like a week ago. She is sooooo stupid, and she thinks that she knows what is best for me, but I figure out my problems and help myself AGES before she does anything to help me, and all she ends up doing is pissing me off!
At school, it seems like my friendships, my schoolwork... it's working, but it's not.
Shit man. Like my friendships have been alright, but they are... haha stagnant. I guess that is fine though...
In class... ugh I hate all of my classes. I don't enjoy learning anymore. Do you know how sad that is!?!?!?
I used to love learning!!! But now I care not for it. Senior year I am probably going to Anderson High. Even if I get beat up, at least I won't fail.
Every free moment of thought I have... and even when I'm thinking of things, he is on my mind. I do not want to be in love with him. I do not want to spend every waking moment thinking about him, staring in his direction, dreaming of being with him.
I am so fucking done.
... Why is life so stressful, always with so much to worry about. I want to try to help my friends that need it too, but with asshole parents, and the restrictions around me, I feel like I can't.
Fuck it. I can and cannot do what I really want to at this moment.......
MEEEEEHHHHHHH
-------Kyle-------
.......
My mom is a bitch.
School feels... wrong.
My heart feels like it's snapping.
Everything is off................
UGH FUCK!
All I wanna do is go and slash at myself like fucking crazy.
I feel so shitty. Nothing is working out... My mom just spent the last half hour bitching at me for my sleeping habits and grades. My grades are great, they're better than they have been in years. My sleeping habits have ALWAYS been awful, and they haven't interfered with my schooling yet, and now that they have, I already started sleeping earlier like a week ago. She is sooooo stupid, and she thinks that she knows what is best for me, but I figure out my problems and help myself AGES before she does anything to help me, and all she ends up doing is pissing me off!
At school, it seems like my friendships, my schoolwork... it's working, but it's not.
Shit man. Like my friendships have been alright, but they are... haha stagnant. I guess that is fine though...
In class... ugh I hate all of my classes. I don't enjoy learning anymore. Do you know how sad that is!?!?!?
I used to love learning!!! But now I care not for it. Senior year I am probably going to Anderson High. Even if I get beat up, at least I won't fail.
Every free moment of thought I have... and even when I'm thinking of things, he is on my mind. I do not want to be in love with him. I do not want to spend every waking moment thinking about him, staring in his direction, dreaming of being with him.
I am so fucking done.
... Why is life so stressful, always with so much to worry about. I want to try to help my friends that need it too, but with asshole parents, and the restrictions around me, I feel like I can't.
Fuck it. I can and cannot do what I really want to at this moment.......
MEEEEEHHHHHHH
-------Kyle-------
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