K: Fuck my life man!!!

:/
.......
My mom is a bitch.
School feels... wrong.
My heart feels like it's snapping.
Everything is off................

UGH FUCK!
All I wanna do is go and slash at myself like fucking crazy.
I feel so shitty. Nothing is working out... My mom just spent the last half hour bitching at me for my sleeping habits and grades. My grades are great, they're better than they have been in years. My sleeping habits have ALWAYS been awful, and they haven't interfered with my schooling yet, and now that they have, I already started sleeping earlier like a week ago. She is sooooo stupid, and she thinks that she knows what is best for me, but I figure out my problems and help myself AGES before she does anything to help me, and all she ends up doing is pissing me off!

At school, it seems like my friendships, my schoolwork... it's working, but it's not.
Shit man. Like my friendships have been alright, but they are... haha stagnant. I guess that is fine though...
In class... ugh I hate all of my classes. I don't enjoy learning anymore. Do you know how sad that is!?!?!?
I used to love learning!!! But now I care not for it. Senior year I am probably going to Anderson High. Even if I get beat up, at least I won't fail.

Every free moment of thought I have... and even when I'm thinking of things, he is on my mind. I do not want to be in love with him. I do not want to spend every waking moment thinking about him, staring in his direction, dreaming of being with him.
I am so fucking done.

... Why is life so stressful, always with so much to worry about. I want to try to help my friends that need it too, but with asshole parents, and the restrictions around me, I feel like I can't.

Fuck it. I can and cannot do what I really want to at this moment.......
MEEEEEHHHHHHH
-------Kyle-------

K: I'm a stalker

OMFG
I am such a creeeeeppppeeerrrrrr >.<

I spent all day staring at him. God damn it fuck my life. It was all I could do, every class when he was visible, I dropped everything.
We were given a test in Anatomy, and I did like a page out of 8 or something. All because I spent most of it staring out the window into one of the windows to the imaging room because he was next to it.
I swear he caught me a few times over the day. Gosha I'm a freak.

Other than that, I think I am slipping in my classes. Though it is partly due to the fact that he is visible in a few of my classes, so I just spend my time staring at him, it is mostly due to the fact that I'm a lazy dumbass. Yep. And I have horrible sleeping habits, and am unable to get my feelings and thoughts out often, which fucks me up.

I ate all of my candy already. Sad right?
But at least the experience was AWESOME.
SOOOOOOOOOOO

I am a creepy boy who stares at poor tall guys and then writes shit about them.

-Kyle

K: To Stockton and back again

For Halloween this year, Cambian took Whitney and I to Stockton. It was pretty much the best little mini vacation I could ask for.
I got some time away to just hang out with Cambian and Whitney. I got to meet Clarissa, Cambian's best friend since like forever(that's a long time), and she's a total badass. Overall it was really fun.
Coming back to school immediately afterward sucked ass though. I ended up leaving half way through the day because I was feeling so shitty xD
I was sneezing every five fucking minutes, I was really irritable, and I hadn't slept the night before... WOO!
Other than that, nothing new has been happening. I'm kind of falling behind in school, in Music Appreciation and Studies specifically.

In the music area, I have run into another My Chem obsession. It always happens haha. It's usually the same songs too. This time it's cause I watched the music video for "Ghost of You". I cried, and that was that.

I found myself looking up quotes and songs for unrequited love. Fuck I even looked up unrequited love on wikipedia. I really hate when wikipedia has the symptoms for things like mental disorders and how people act when suffering from things like unrequited love, and I fit the description perfectly. I'm such a crazy though, I believe in a diagnosis from Wikipedia!
I don't think I'm in love... I'm just ridiculously insanely creepily crazy over this one guy.
Who knows what's wrong with me. Hell I'm falling for a guy who has God and Jesus as his heroes on myspace -_-
I'm soooooo fucked up, but it's okay, I have fucked up friends to hang out with =D
WOO

K: I really don't like cars

I went to the movies today. Cambian, Whitney, possibly Dennis, and I were supposed to see "Where The Wild Things Are" together, but nobody else showed up besides me. That wasn't so bad though, I loved the movie, and it was probably best for me to have seen it alone. The movie itself was quite amazing. You(the reader) have no idea how bad I want to read the book now. The story it told was really emotional and touching, and I think it did a very good job of showing every one's feelings in a struggling family. You have the typical older sibling, who is now distant from the rest of the family, and at first she seems awful. The mother seems to love her son a lot, but is having a lot of trouble keeping the family together and supporting them without a man in the house, and she tries dating, but her son can't take her seeing other men and destroys her night. The son is very deep. He seems just, alone. He wants to connect ot his sister, but she is distanced and pushes him away. His mom loves him and tries to help him out, but she is having a problem with dealing his anger issues on top of everything else. He is a very emotional and imaginitive boy, which reminds me of myself. Actually I connected to a lot in this movie, and what I hadn't personally experienced, I still understood. But because his way of dealing with his anger, loneliness, and pain was to lash out, he ended up hurting everyone around him. When he runs away and ends up on the island he meets a group of, I'm guessing by the title, wild things. The movie never straight out explains what they are, but essentially they just seem like reflections of his feelings, and his families feelings. Because of this it was like he was suddenly watching from the outside. As he connects to each of them, he realizes more and more that he didn't understand why his mother and sister did the things they did. Overall it was a great movie that made me think a lot. Like how a lot of the problems in the world are caused by misunderstandings, and the reason there is pain, is simply because no one takes the time to listen to each other anymore. Hell they practically said that was one of the reasons everything sucked when he went to talk to one of the wild things, who all throughout the movie is trying to be heard, but no one will listen, and Max(the boy) goes and talks to him much later on, and when he says, "So no one really listens to you" or whatever, you can tell that that is how Max feels.
I don't know... I look too deeply into things, or maybe I'm right... fuck I don't know.
I cried like three or four times though. It made me glad I was alone, but feel awful that I was alone. The other people in the theater must have thought I was crazy or depressing or something xD

Afterwards I walked most of the way home. I love walking... Hate cars though. I'll get into that eventually.
I tlaked ot myself most of the way, cried even more. I guess, I have never felt understood really, and I can't talk to anyone because no one seems to actually want to listen, and whenever someone is like, "I'll listen, you can always talk to me!" I look at them and... I can't...
When I realized I still felt like I couldn't talk to anyone and I had no one to listen to me, I felt pretty bad. I have some great friends...
So then I ended up listing every single reason why I cannot talk to any of them. Love them to death, but they can't help me... That's why I have a blog. I write everything that I'm feeling, and then sometimes people will read it, and at least then someone will have heard it, regardless of if they understand or not... Though I really wish someone could understand...
I would feel REALLY bad if I actually listed the reasons why I can't talk to my friends, so I think I will just write that down on a document and hide it on my computer, so I can at least get it out and it won't come out randomly seven or ten years later like what happened at Cambian's house.......

Really, ideally, the world I would want to live in would have about ten humans. Twenty max. That way, everyone could talk to each other, know each other. No one would have to be left out, and not so many bad things would happen. If everyone understood why a person felt a certain way, then maybe those people wouldn't feel so misunderstood, and maybe they wouldn't feel the need to hurt others, physically, mentally, or materially. this brings me to hating cars... I wanna move away to an island where no one lives. I want to be alone. That way I can get away from cars. And of course, planes, trains, boats, all those things that eventually speed the people you love away and bring the people you hate to you. These things also kind of ruin life. As soon as people started exploiting nature to move places faster, the little things dissapeared. No one seems to quite understand my love of walking. When you are walking, you can think. You can feel. You can let go, because at the moment, there is nothing you can do but walk to your destination. These days that is ruined. Places that take maybe a great four hour walk, can be done in 30 minutes. Sure that may seem silly of me, but well... at least when you finish your walk, you feel like you accomplished something, instead of just having that normal feeling of the trip being nothing impressive...
We live in a world that requires you go distances for things uneeded. Everyone has to travel so far, for college, for jobs, for that perfect weather. There's no such thing as enjoying what you have where you have it, because if you don't like it, you can just leave, in a matter of hours you can be in a completely different climate, with completely different people, with completely different rules, and the feeling of accomplishment is kind of destroyed. Even when people were heading west, using horses and carriages and what nots, it was still a difficult journey. Something taxing and challenging, which is important to have to go through if you want to just skip out on the life you had. You have to be tried and tested to see if you deserve to start a new life. Not anymore, now all you need is a big wallet. So those who are undeserving of a new life get to go just cause they bring in the bug bucks, and those that need a new life can't because they have nothing.

On another note, my little loneliness is issue is getting slightly more irritating. All I keep thinking is that I want this one guy to be gay. Life would be soooo much simpler, because he is just about perfect in every way, even if no one else can see it. I'm writing more because of it though. I have written two little short... things, about how him, or maybe just my lonlieness in general. One of which I posted, the other I am keeping in my thing of paper... notebook thing. Whatever..

Phew... I guess that's enough for now............ Uhm, now remember kiddies, communication is important, sharing is caring, and try to understand those that make you feel bad. Maybe they feel bad too.

My name is Kyle, and I am emotionally retarded.

K: Dreams of Escaping Reality to Live Out Your Dreams(A short... thing)

He nestled into the familiar chair, emptied his mind of the days thoughts, and pulled the visor down over his eyes. Again he felt the familiar loss of senses. The smell his room, the feel of the chair, the chill against his spine. Suddenly he was immersed in another world, his world, his haven.

He opened his eyes and turned his head. There, next to him, was the embodiment of his happiness and dreams. His man lay there, sleeping peacefully. With a bit of effort he retrieved himself from the bed and rubbed the sleep from his eyes. In the back of his head he felt a voice, his voice whisper, "It feels so real..."
Sean shook his head, ignoring the roaming thought.
He made his way to the kitchen, and got out a skillet. It was his routine, wake up, make breakfast for Derrick and himself, shower, and then off to work. It wasn't the most interesting routine, but it was happy. It was all he ever wanted.
Derrick walked into the kitchen, blond hair disheveled, a big smile across his face. Due to his long legs it only took him two steps to get to Sean, and in an instant Sean was in Derrick's arms. The feeling of bliss that spread through his body was everything to him, it was what he desired every moment, to revel in that beautiful warmth, and to take in his man's strong scent. Unfortunately, his indulgence in his form of heaven had to be cut off after 10 minutes of holding on so tight.
Derrick bent over and whispered in his ear, "You have to go to work."
"But I haven't finished making breakfast..."
"You'll end up late," He said, before nudging him towards the door to the bedroom.

Sean thought to himself as he pulled his shirt on, "Derrick is so lucky, living out his dreams. All he has to do for work is play his guitar, and write music... but I guess this is what I always wanted... to be happily in love with someone that I can be with forever."
He brushed his hair, which always seemed to go perfectly the way he wanted to.

Before he left, a loving kiss was bestowed upon him by his knight in shining armor, and the next thing he knew, he was in his car.

The drive to his work was always interesting. With his music up loud, he would watch everyone that he drove past, look at everything around him at every stop sign. Everything and everyone seemed so happy. It had been everything he had ever dreamed of. Peace had taken hold, and anger was usually resolved immediately with a quick talk and a handshake, a hug, or just a smile. Smiles were typical everywhere.

At work he was greeted by his friends, Violet and Tiffany. They had been friends since high School, and they had all ended up owning a salon together. They spent all day styling and cutting people's hair, just making people feel better in the body that they were given. They talked and met many kind people, and they enjoyed each other. It was everything Sean had ever wanted in a job, to make people feel better about themselves, and to spend his time with people he loved.
"Hey Sean!" Tiffany called across the room when he walked in, "How are you?"
"Just lovely dear, just lovely," Sean said, his eyes twinkling in the way that they did when he was truly happy.
Violet unlocked the cash register, and walked towards him, "Life has been pretty nice lately, hasn't it?"
"Yeah... it really has," Sean sighed happily, looking back at how great things were.
"How did all of this happen?" whispered the voice in the back of his head. Everything blacked out for a moment, total system shock.
Then he relaxed, what was he even thinking? He was being ridiculous. Besides, why ponder about the past, when the present was looking so great!
They went about their work as usual, just like every other perfect day. A regular or two came in, and the day went by quickly, talking about how lovely everything was.
Sean had to close up that day, but Violet and Tiffany helped clean up before they left, so it wasn't difficult. Sean could hardly contain his excitement for that evening. Derrick was going to be in a concert with his band. Ever since they had met, Sean got every chance to see Derrick play, just to see the look on his serious face, and to watch him slowly turn six shades of red. Grinning like a child, he locked up the shop, and drove off to meet up with Derrick at the concert.

That night was another magical night. Standing in the front of the crowd, he cheered the loudest when the band came out, and took in every thing he saw, heard, and smelt. The music coming from his boyfriend's guitar entranced him, excited him, made him feel emotion after emotion. He experienced love at it's fullest.
"Can this really be love at its fullest if it's simulated?"
Sean stumbled and clutched his head. After a few minutes he recovered and stood up to find Derrick looking straight at him, with those intense blue eyes making him feel like he was the only one that existed. What more is there than this? If this feeling is not love, then what is?
Sean made his way backstage. He looked around for a bit but couldn't find who he was looking for. Then he was hugged from behind, and that warmth spread through his body from the points of contact. Sean laughed and turned around to be face to face with his one and only. Looking into those eyes that never seemed to end, Sean was brought up into a long, passionate kiss that dragged on until...

The room was dark. He had been there for hours. His heart was fluttering from the last experience. He couldn't see anything because of the damn visor. Sean pulled it off slowly and tossed it aside, he was mentally exhausted. Looking up, he saw the final scene he experienced before the machine removed him from the simulation. There he was, wrapped in the arms of the one he thought about most. Silent tears ran down his cheeks. The crying had to be done now anyways, otherwise he would burst out in bitter sobs every moment he had to spend in the same room as Derrick at school. He had turned to torturing himself with his little world. His escape had become just another cause for his pain.
Sean shut off the machine. The whirring stopped, the room got even darker, a chill went down his spine. Huddled in a corner, sniffling and sobbing, Sean wept until he fell asleep.

The next morning he woke up, took a shower, got dressed, and got in his mom's car to go to school. The whole day was spent walking around like a zombie. Immediately after returning home he hooked himself back up to the machine, to live out another day in his perfect world, his painfully perfect world. His cycle went on.

[This is just kind of an idea I had while day dreaming. I had to change the names of course, since in the day dream, and the original draft me and this guy I keep staring at are the main characters. The whole story, and the writing style may seem kind of bleh, but it just so happens that I put a lot of thought and meaning into it. I often find myself wishing I lived in a perfect world, and sometimes my day dreams actually feel like my way of escaping, hell I day dream all the time of being held in the way I am in the story. I am also afraid of not succeeding in the real world, so in the story my character has created a future where he gets to be with his friends, enjoy his job, and make enough money to survive. The simulated world is simply the creation of my dreams. Happiness and peace reign, and war is unheard of. It is both saddening, but extremely life saving that this kind of escape does not exist. If such a machine did exist, I would never do anything. I would waste away just as my character has. I also incorporated some little things from my life like how in real life I often get dizzy and nearly black out, and I added that to the story as if it happened because my sub-conscious was fighting against the "dream". I've been really lonely lately, so this was mostly written to make me feel better, and to make more vivid the images of me being held and kissed by him that I have fabricated in my mind's eye...]

A little story by Kyle Falconer...

M: Something About a Dark Abyss?

Life lately, has taken it's own downward spiral.

Every great thing I had, has now decided to run to the hills with it's head cut off.

Life was so perfect.

I was in love.

I wasn't fighting TOO much with the family.

I was making a new friend.

I was losing weight and feeling wonderful.

Then Taco Bell had to happen.

Now, it had nothing to do with 4th meal,

But I blame the place...

Or... I rather blame myself.

I've been hurting for so many years,

and the one thing...

the ONE THING that has made me feel exactly as every person should feel,

doesn't want to be with me.

Now...

My life is like "The L Word."

Every girl I've dated has somehow dated another person I've dated or a person I've dated has dated a person who's dated a person I once dated.

It's really odd.

I've also never been with another full on lesbian, like myself.

I've only ever date bisexual or straight girls.

My family thinks that's why I get hurt every time I love someone...

I get so comfortable then someone decides they want someone else, or that a boy would be a better choice.

It's so depressing.

My friends have made a lasting impact on me though...

This last weekend was absolutely wonderful.

Everything about it except that 4 hour excerpt on Saturday was wonderful.

You see, this girl... That one I was talking about and so happy with,

spent the day with me, while my friends worked and looked at me as if I were some weak person...

I asked her if I could trust her, and if she'd be my girl, and she said no.

As you all can imagine, I felt as if my heart had been stabbed to a liquid, shoved in a glass bottle, dropped from a tower, and shattered along with the bottle, so I could forever feel that stinging sensation that was love.

I'm being yelled at at the moment to get off, so I'll finish later.

Though heartbreak needs no explanation if you've felt it before.

lots of like,

-mlw.

K: Allergies...

I can't breathe, and there is snot dripping from my nose. Boy, do I feel beautiful.
Everyone is still asleep, so it's just me and like 10 cats lounging around in the living room.
Ya know, last night I was feeling pretty great. I had trekked a good distance, and I had a lot of time to just think, calm down, be happy. Of course as soon as everyone else got here I felt like shit.
Instantly I was made to feel like I had done something awful. Everything I do is wrong though, so what's new?
Well, I suppose we just live in a day and age where bird feeding is punishable by death, and taking a very long walk means you're friends will suddenly fear for your life/hate you and threaten to break your legs.
My nose feels like it should be removed... like ouch...
This sweater is so gross now. When my allergies get like this, my jackets sleeves suddenly become kleenex. It's quite repulsing actually. I have far too many little habits that just make me sick.

I didn't sleep last night. It sucked, cause I was TIRED.
Mariah slept by pinning me painfully into Cambian's mattress. It was not an enjoyable experience.

And now every few minutes I have to crawl into the bathroom and blow my nose and whimper on the floor because I can't stop sneezing and every sneeze hurts more and more...
Fuck man... The life of Kyle is quite boring...