I've Always Been The Wallpaper...

K: Fuck, there's more.

2011-08-31T12:13:00.001-07:00

Two extremes, with a middle ground that I can't find.

In both I'm my greatest enemy.

In one, my emotions toss me around like a rag doll. Fear and turmoil; constant torment. And even in happiness, the constant questions don't stop.

No middle ground. No quieting the storm. And if for a moment I give up...

"Let me escape..."

I'm dragged under. Down. Down. Down.

Only one last fear keeps me from drowning. I don't want to lose my voice again.

Back and forth.

In the latter extreme, to lose is synonymous with death. In the first, to lose is to give into the desire for it.
The latter, I disconnect, disconnect from everything... disconnect from you.
The first, my feelings continue building, the waves rise and crash eternally. My feelings for you turn against me, destroy me, drive you away.
As I write this I am exhausted but still fighting... still fighting.
One emotion is concrete. I just want to be happy with you. I don't want to lose you.

K: Another product of the mood.

2011-08-30T00:41:00.000-07:00

Tonight is one of true despair,

And at my most desperate, my heart is laid bare.

Vulnerable and Translucent,

In the dark I laugh at, how none hear my lament.

I search and whisper, ear to ear;

Never learn my lesson, I forget none can hear.

Even the one that I hold dear,

Cannot understand; realizing my greatest fear.

I'm told I have one option, to keep these waters still;

Pay a stranger, explain my ill, and live the rest of my life popping pill after pill after pill...

K: Out of necessity.

2011-08-29T23:04:00.000-07:00

I have to get this out. I'm at a stage where my petty problems don't need to burden anyone, but I still need to get some sort of... "release".
I need to at least feel like I'm talking to someone. How I love you blog.
Today was... difficult. Staying above the waves is tough, and I'm getting worn out. My mood swings are becoming frequent again, and the tiniest nudge sets me on one trail, then another. It's a lot to handle.
Phew, on an impulse took the MDI... Severely depressed... fuck...
Maybe I should go to see someone...
Anyway, I've been bouncing around like a fucking billiard ball, more often than not landing in a downward spiral. Just last night I was feeling really low, and I just wanted someone to talk to. I felt like shit. And then he started talking to me, and the minute he started getting into how he wanted to enjoy a night with me, be close and intimate, my mood shot straight up...
Today was the same as yesterday, if anything I was more like my old self, having to fight to find my voice. But I just kept reminding myself that night I would be taken away, taken out of this place for a few days, would be with someone who I felt cared for me like others can't...

I was hanging by a thread when seven rolled around. Had myself ready by 7:30, and was keeping myself as hopeful as possible...
8. 9. Hadn't heard anything. By this time I had a pit in my stomach that I couldn't dislodge, my nerves were out of wack and my brain was firing all kinds of random musings about where the night was going.
I found out what happened and calmed down a little, and he said he still wanted me to come over, but.... another hour and a half later and I hadn't heard from him. It felt like I'd been dilly-dallying around for ever. Bleh. Then he called, he didn't think it would be a good idea, he just wasn't in a good mood. At this point I had to agree, I was drowning and didn't want him to see me fall into a depression. At the same time something inside me was pleading, wishing that he would come get me anyway, save me from myself.
But I knew it was best for him not to ask him to get me anyway, and he said he would pick me up from school tomorrow... comforting but strangely... I felt empty...
Afterward I felt... awful. I'd been barely hanging on, and then the one thing I was hanging on to was unfortunately taken away. Which is why I try not to do that... I'll have to remember not to be hopeful. Fuck. Opposite of what I've been striving for, hope. Whatever that means. I know what that means..... FUCK.
So yeah... I felt just... awful. No one's fault but my own disorder...

I didn't want to sit in my room for the rest of the night, I'd done enough of that, so I went out... The night sky, night air, being surrounded by darkness while taking in the light in the heavens... it was strangely comforting.
On an impulse I found myself running to my old street, sitting across from my old best friend's house. The only place that reminds me of the happy moments from my childhood. The only place that reminds me it wasn't all bad... not completely bleak.
But it felt empty. My childhood is dead, and I know that. I closed the door on that long ago, now I'm just dealing with the mess. As I walked away from his house, from the street, from my past, I thought about the... irony? I suppose. That as I left behind those old wounds, I resembled the child that experienced them more than ever. Running my fingers through my hair, clutching my chest, I continued home, determined to continue fighting, somehow fighting, to get my way out of this...
I may need help to do it, and at this point possibly even pills, but........ I can't live like this forever. I won't live to see next fall.

K: A rant to him about my current state.

2011-08-16T01:22:00.001-07:00

I'm having a hard time, because I can't keep everything in like I have been for a long time, and because of the way I am, I am always the listener, and can never get anything out without being prompted to do so. Because of that, I can't bring myself to get anything off of my chest. I can't express myself in any other way, I can't express my feelings in writing, not even good ones. I tried to write a poem and it was a complete flop. I can't even bring fully fleshed out stories that are in my head onto paper, because even though I know every single thing that's going to happen, when I sit down to write, everything shuts down. Singing and being around people I care about help somewhat, but with the latter I am constantly reminded of what I am feeling on the inside, and on top of that I note that I countlessly fail to express a thought correctly, and once I've said it, I know it's incomplete. I couldn't even jokingly say, "Yeah, sorry if that movie had a bit too much cheese. Next time I'll make sure to choose a great one, haha." without it coming out all lame and off. Nothing seems to come out right. And it tortures me at the end of the day because I know I could be, should be, AM better than I appear, and you deserve me at my best, but god damn it, it's like I lose a vital piece of myself when I step across the threshold between my intra-personality (in relation to myself) and my inter-personality (In relation to others).
And honestly, all of those emotions that I keep inside turn... inward. All of it comes crashing against me, which turns physical at it's worst. And so I get stuck in this cycle of being at the bottom of the ocean, so deep in depression that all I have is the darkness, the cold, and my slow, subtle, painful asphyxiation. Then I fight, and it hurts more. I struggle, and struggle, and depending on the circumstances it becomes unbearable. Then when I'm lucky, I reach air. It's bright, I can breathe clearly. Everything feels bearable, I can handle it. Then after the euphoria fades, I remember it all. Everything that I've kept bottled up. I remember that I'm in the middle of an ocean. And the ocean rages. In the throws of immense sorrow, intense self-hatred, a deep compassion for everyone around me, for humanity, for our future, a deep resentment and pity for all of those who are just like that guy in that fucking movie, because as much as I tell myself it isn't true, the world is filled with people just like him (all it takes is the right personality, right upbringing, and right insecurity to make a monster), and this builds a deep fear, that nothing can make this sick joke even the slightest bit lighter, and that if I disconnect from it so I don't feel the pain of it, then I'll lose all direction in life, because honestly making living something worth doing for others is the only worthwhile thing I can comprehend doing with my life, in the throws of all of that shit, I lose myself, and end up drowning at the bottom of the sea. And in the end, all I really need is to know is that someone is willing to listen to me, to acknowledge me and let me be completely open with them so that finally I can overcome all of these god damn social insecurities and at least be a normal fucked up, tormented human being like everyone else.
And it's all coming out now because I've broke out of my depression, and have slowly slipped back, because I feel soooo alone, because I don't want to live in this world anymore, and because of that fucking hope that I detest sooo much when I'm in this state, I can't just let go, and so I beat myself, and I hate myself for all that I can't do for myself, and I just need to get it out...
I just want you to care...
Even if I don't say it to you directly.

K: You know you're fucked when...

2011-07-13T13:01:00.000-07:00

You know you're fucked when an app asks you to think of your happiest, strongest memory with all of your being, and you are left speechless, staring at the screen. I teared up.
I know there has to be something... some memory that was nothing but pure joy... Nothing comes to mind.
I'm sure it's because I can't recall one, not because one doesn't exist, but... when all you really want in the end is to have as many great and happy experiences as you can, well... it doesn't bode well that you have none from the first 18 years of your life...
18 years of confusion, self-hatred, disgust, sorrow, loneliness, and complete and utter monotony. No wonder I've been waiting on the edge of my fucking seat to start my life.
It's hard to care in a house where no one does. The kids are like animals; sleep, eat, shit, video games.
I guess video games replace sex. Or hunting/exercise. Or both. *sigh*
It's difficult here because I've kind of... decided on a new direction I want to take myself. Not necessarily new, but... I want to be the person whom I have always wanted to be! I want to be constantly sweet and reserved; constantly honest and blunt, but never harsh or rude; someone who is innocent, not from ignorance but from choice. Someone who deserves respect because he does his best to be his best, and is always respectful towards others until they give him a reason not to be... A man who is intelligent, well read, who seeks to understand the world we live in, himself, others, and life to the best of his abilities; but who can, despite these things, still manage to be light-hearted and fun to be around. I mean... it is in no way an easy person to be, but... I feel like being around these kids has me so raw xP
There are moments when I raise my voice or say something sarcastic and rude before I even think about it, and I just feel like a jackass... I guess that just means I need to try harder. Writing it down helps though, kind of cements what I want... Just need to constantly remind myself of that great person I could be, want to be...
It's hard because... as we grow up, our experiences shape who we are... It's a marvel I've turned out this well, but... for a boy without any happy memories that have not been tainted black or grey.... how am I to become someone beautiful who can bring light and happiness to others?
I don't have any to give...
Today seems... a bit grey for me... I should almost apologize, I've been wanting to avoid making any depressing posts, but I need something to rant to... The guy that I wanted to start talking to again is busy, and I just don't feel like I have anyone else I can go to with my pointless bullshit...
Mraahhhh. I need coffee and a happier song. Just listened to The Whale Song by Modest Mouse, and... that may have only fueled the negativity xD
There, acoustic Sublime, serenading me...
*sigh* I'm just so tired, and I don't know what to do with myself anymore...
Hm... Well, last night was weird. I woke up in the middle of the night (for the second time, the first I was on the couch; this is after I made it back upstairs), and while I tried to fall back asleep, I was gripped with fear. My mind kind of wandered on me while I was imagining a rather lovely date, and some how I came to slender man. Now, this is nothing but a harmless meme on the internet, but for some reason when it gets into your imagination, it can be quite terrifying. I was filled with this horrible sickening feeling, and I couldn't do anything besides call myself an idiot and continue trying to sleep. It was definitely interesting. I spent around an hour floating back and forth between blissful dreams and calm, cold nightmares.
What else can I blab about... I can't wait to go home. Honestly, this trip has essentially extended my stagnant period. I don't feel like I can do anything out here. I need to be getting a job and learning how to drive, so I can start saving and move out. The plan was to be at the moving out point by the end of the summer, but now... fuck. It only makes matters worse that the longer it takes for me to get my ass out there, the longer Hannah has to wait. I wouldn't be surprised if she found another roommate. I don't know, really she just needs to whatever is best for her, so if I'm taking too long to get out then she should just move on without me. I'll catch up when I can.
I'm still such a child... I feel so awkward, I think that's why I have this intense desire to change and begin educating myself further. In so many ways I feel like I'm beyond my years, but I'm still so foolish and ignorant about so much, right down to my behavior. Phew.
Good talk laptop. Ttyl.

K: Nihilism vs... uh... Humanism? Life-ism...?

2011-06-29T04:08:00.000-07:00

*sigh* Well, I feel like I'm getting better at fighting back against my more nihilistic self. I still don't have an answer for him, but at least I can keep him sated for the moment. You see, I am in the middle of a struggle; half of me wants to continue living, wants to strive to be constantly better, wants to make something of myself, experience as much as I can on this planet, find love, happiness, and all of that good rot. The other half is incessantly asking why. And though I can come up with answers that are good enough for one side, the other refuses to accept them. It seems to want an absolute, concrete reason for existence, for the effort of living. Apparently the memories, experiences and connections made aren't reason enough for it...
This has become a puzzling dilemma that is rather pressing for me, as it is holding me back. So I am essentially at a crossroads. I can live life to the fullest, and do my best to live out my dreams, or I can realize there is no point to trying and just cop out. I suppose there's a third option, standing still, though it seems least desirable, as that is to continue living, while not really making any effort or caring; simply stifling both sides. But we've been here for much to long now, and I would like to move on with my life, whether it be by living it or ending it.
I was lying on the futon in my uncle's house this early morning, and wanted to push myself to think of something important, some sort of inspiration for me to write about. And instantly I was assaulted by that emptiness, and couldn't think of anything that actually mattered in the end, as in the end all returns to nothing, all memory disappears, existence fades, and there will be no way to tell if anyone or anything was even here in the first place.
Well I tried to push the fact that I believe humans are important, vastly so in their ability to think, to feel, to love, to experience life beyond anything any other animal could possibly comprehend. The other side brushed it off; humans are born, will fight, will die, just like any other animal. In the end the only purpose they have is to survive, as with every other animal. I suppose you could say he sees them as no different. It is very complicated to have two sides conflict to such a degree, but I suppose all of that negative emotion had to go somewhere...
Anyway, I held fast to my reasoning, it being that I want to live because I only live once, and while I'm here there is so much to see and feel, that it would be a waste to give up so soon. And then I lost myself in singing to Regina Spektor as a reminder of the powerful emotions that are so sweet, so grand and beautiful that I cannot abandon them, can't abandon life just yet... *sigh* We'll see what happens.

Back to more mundane thoughts, I never want more than two children. Not that I want children... still have no idea what I want there, and do not care to find out now, it is just that I am currently babysitting four, and every minute they are fighting with each other, and once I calm down one, another starts something. It gets quite tiring. The only way to please them (momentarily) is to set them up on their video games, and even then they get mad and fight over who lost, and who was playing cheaply, or who's turn it is, etc... But I hate to see them wasting all of their time playing video games. They should be playing outside, having fun, getting some sunshine... Though out here, it's so damn hot... I just don't know what to do for them... xP
Uhm... :o
I have my first real date! That should be exciting. I'm looking forward to that when I get home, buuuut I'm nervous because I'm such a bloody wreck (see above). On top of that I am the worst person at holding conversations, so... I guess we'll just see how it goes. >.<
I have been without any real outlet for a while, so I think this was kind of important. I needed to spill my guts to something, even if it was a computer screen. I also need to call a couple people eventually, because after all, practice makes perfect, and I need as much practice as I can get.
I believe I only have one reader, and he knows who he is. Be expecting a call sometime soon ;P

K: Bloom.

2011-06-17T13:06:00.000-07:00

-Bloom!
--Do you expect a flower to do so on command?
-Of course! I would expect it to bloom as I expect my hand to open when I will it to.
--Perhaps that is your problem. Instead of looking at it as an extension of yourself, you should realize that it is the essence and entirety of your being. You're hand may open in response to your will, but what is behind your will? If the flower controls the will, how can you hope to will the flower?
-It... it is all that I can do. If I do nothing, well... I fear I may waste away, turn to dust, while waiting for this accursed awakening.
--Fret not. The flower blooms when it has basked in the light, has drank its fill, and as it gets stronger it slowly emerges. In time, it releases its beauty unto the world; but only when it is ready. You cannot see it yet, but your petals have begun to unfurl. You have exhibited great patience up 'til now, and your patience shall be rewarded. Until then...
Breathe. Think, laugh, love. Live.
Your time is coming.
It will not be long, before you finally bloom.

K: How...?

2011-05-01T20:16:00.000-07:00

Just something I wrote randomly... :p
This love is like an appendage.
An arm, a leg... A single, shining wing...
One that has long been limp, cold...dead.
Still it holds on; or maybe I can't let go.
Regardless, it remains, and I am done with it.
But how does one go about discarding a limb?
What blade can sever love?

K: The Cycle of Depression.

2011-03-28T11:28:00.000-07:00

Being depressed in the way that I am, means that your shittiest days, where you just feel like crap, where no matter what you do you can't seem to get it right, when you feel the clarity of reality and the sharpness of the world, are the best days that you get. These are your "good days". For most people, these are just average days, so-so, not great, not horrible, just kinda sucky.
The reason why these days suck so bad, is because for some reason all of the things that you impose on yourself, or are imposed on you, bring you so much closer to the surface. The sleep deprivation, and the pounding headache, and the stress of the impending grade, and the hatred for anything that you create with the one thing you can convince yourself that you are good at; the aching throughout your chest and feeling that your on the edge, brings you closer to being yourself, to feeling and thinking as yourself, than you ever get. These days are the days that I look forward to, that I live for, because they are the only days I can force myself to go out of my way to talk to someone, are the only days I can actually care and... try.
These are the days when I can finally push myself to swim harder, can see the rays of light breaking through the water, can feel the warmth of the sun, can imagine that breath of real... free air.
I'm ready, I swear, to feel, and think, and speak, and love, and care freely again! So it's for these days that I keep searching for, the reminders that I have to try.
It's gonna be a slow process, and who knows how long it's been since the last time I've breathed, but if I can just try one thing, each day... Maybe I'll make it.

The only daunting feeling is that of the swell of the waves, the powerful current. The strength of every tear that I could not shed, welled up inside of me, corroding my heart.
If only I could understand this pain and let it go... let go of this overwhelming sorrow that I've held onto for so long, I could finally escape.

As long as I continue to write this, my resolve, then someday I will feel all of it, the strength of my true heart. And I hope that then, that resolve will be enough for that true push towards freedom, the true escape of my own accord. Because this illusion of nearing the surface isn't enough anymore. This illusion of humanity isn't enough anymore.
I'm a free thinker, an emotional person, a loving caring person who is only being held back; held down.
But no more. My escape is soon.

K: I've been thinking...

2011-03-27T14:34:00.001-07:00

I've been thinking a lot lately. I've thought about religion, and how it seems to be truly holding society back. I've thought about god, and reasoned that god seems to have so little purpose, seems so unnecessary, and because of that, there is no reason to believe in a god. Wouldn't a world with a god require a god to explain it's wonders? That is what the many people who founded the many religions thought; but as the world progresses, those mysterious wonders of our universe have been explained one by one. Our world is a natural one, built on natural laws and natural processes. There is no need of a god for our universe to exist, therefore, why believe in one?
Something that's been of real interest to me is the idea of morality. Many theistic-oriented people would argue that morality and god are tied, are one. That without god there can be no morals, no rules, and that chaos would reign.
Honestly, I agree that without god, there are no set morals. This is a tough issue, and many would disagree with me, but... there are no rules. At least, no rules besides the ones we set for ourselves.
There is no god watching over us, waiting for us to commit a crime so that he can rain righteous justice upon us. There is no heavenly courthouse, where we will be judged for our immoral sins. The reason why religions claim these things exist is because they fear the truth. If a man commits a crime, they can also get away with it. But I really don't think there is a supernatural net that will catch and judge anyone who isn't punished for their crimes in life.
The only true rules and laws are those that we decide for ourselves; the only true judges and law enforcers, are those of us who make it their jobs to prevent and punish the harming of others. We didn't need a holy book, prophet, or guiding hand to lead us to our laws. They were simply the morals that made the most sense; anything that hurts or hampers another is wrong. Anything that helps and heals another is right. That which does neither is gray. If the law of a man's country or state doesn't cover something that hurts someone, then it is because those in control decided it isn't important enough to deserve punishment. The only punishment for these things, like lying, cheating, etc..., is the pain that life deals them. If nothing bad comes of their actions, they were simply fortunate. This is life, and as we are so often told, it is unfair. Some will get away with their crimes, some will be unjustly punished.
In my opinion (which all of this obviously is), the key to moving forward is accepting what is morally right as a society, and accept these moral values as our own. What I'm trying to say is... if people continue getting their morals from someone else, whether it be a book, a religious leader, a political leader, the law, their parents, or whatever, these morals won't be their own, and won't be nearly as important or gratifying to follow them.
But if each person, as their own law-maker and chooses their own moral code, the importance of it is going to be much larger. I feel like I'm getting to some much more specific stuff that I don't feel like talking about, like specific things that the majority would label as immoral, but a select few would make their own as morally right; and rapists and murderers (etc.) that believe it is okay to do those things should be given their own little continent or something, because though it is their right to believe those things, it is not their right to force those morals onto the majority who believe it is wrong. It is actually our duty to strike down those who commit these crimes, because according to the morals of the victims, it is wrong for them to be raped, or murdered, (etc.), and therefore the offender has no right to decide what they believe should influence the life and beliefs of another. This is what morals, for me, come down to in the end. The reason why it is immoral to hurt others, is because they (usually) don't want to be hurt in that way; and helping those that want and need help is right because they need it. I don't know, I have a problem with writing and speaking because my thoughts get so convoluted when I try to draw them all out. xP fuck my life.
I'll have more to try and get out later... probably. Bleh.

K: Just unloading, fine to ignore

2011-03-04T07:39:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was one of the first good days I've had in a while. I almost hate being in a good mood cause it makes me just a bit more talkative, but at the expense of thinking through what I am saying, so I get to say stuff, but it's all stupid and barely related. Woo xD
But despite that... I do enjoy being happy. It's a nice thing to enjoy every once in a while, haha. I'm pretty sure I'm thoroughly "depressed", not in the since of an emotional, "I'm sad, myeeehhhhh!" but more of an, "I'm generally low and empty, and have bad days, and a lot of grey days, and that's about it."
It's a fun time. *sarcasm* xD
BUT the whole point of the , "I'm pretty sure of this..." was that it seems like to be in a good mood I need a proper mix of sleep deprivation, and caffeine to bring me to a point where I'm just kinda hyper and don't give a fuck.
Here I go with me theories again, ahhh silly me. But I'm testing it today. As usual, didn't sleep much last night. I don't think I did at least.... :/ I can't remember exactly, which is a troubling thought, BUT I am now drinking coffee with TWO shots of expresso (The ones that say "two shots per day!"), so I should have enough energy to be productive and maybe even have a conversation :o
Whatever those are XD
Ahhh fuck my life. Anyway. I'm getting nervous with the end of the semester approaching slowly. I can't really get a job because I'll be moving up to Redding immediately. And sadly, I may have to continue living with my parents for another month until I can get a job over there. All of this being a big kid stuff is looming over me, and well, I don't feel very functional at the moment. I'm not that worried about it, cause I've always felt like I was one of those people who rose to adversity, and would therefore bring myself up to whatever level I need to be at to handle the situations that lie ahead, but that doesn't stop me from feeling below those situations now. And, I could always be wrong and fail epicly while trying to handle what is beyond me. But let's not think that way ;P
I'm kind of just typing some of the random nonsense that's jumbled up in my head to try and straighten me out for the day ahead. Studies will be easy because we finished that lame project yesterday <.< And I brainstormed a bit for the writing contest Mr. Main wants me to participate in for Leadership (his way of keeping me busy when I have nilch to do). So today oughta be relaxed and easy. SO, reminder to me, don't be a bitch and just say fuck it to exercising. If I can keep up with that I'll be happy as fuck. Two! Let's get back into the russian lessons, it's been two days! D:
Alright, I'm done feeding this thing my random bullshit.
Baiiiii!
OH! I WILL HAVE FRIENDS!!!!

K: A sum up.

2011-01-20T22:45:00.000-08:00

Depression is a slippery, slippery slope. For five-six years now, I have been endlessly fighting its waves. I've been dragged to the bottom choking on the pain numerous times. Still, I'm still swimming. It was always worth overexerting myself, because I could always break the surface, and feel the light. But my strength is waning, the war has left me so... so much weaker than I was meant to be. Even in my deepest depressions, there were days when I felt my blood rushing, my heart pumping, remembered how to pick myself up and push and push and... win. This morning, I felt my heart, knew the light could be so... close. So I pushed. Up. A wave upon my resolve. Up. Battering my resolve. Down. Cough, choke. Push, push! PUSH! Struggling, inching from the darkness. Choke, cough, pressure building in my chest. Gasping, grasping for the surface, clutching my screaming heart. Wave, wave! WAVE! Flailing, drowning, sinking. Slipping, mortified at defeat, sliding, despair crushing hope to dust, sliding down, down, down... thud. Silence. The rocks and mud settle over me, smothering me. I haven't felt the sun in... too long. Happiness is fleeting, it left me to the cold embrace of.................

Depression takes away the ability to truly care. I mean genuinely, with your heart. By chaining the heart, the boy and his mind are left passionless, aimless. Nothing can hold his attention, unless it is so mindless and constant it can distract from the emptiness; the pain. But the world keeps demanding from him, forcing him to continue. School demands he care, so he does his best. Parents demand that he care, so he bites his lip and tries to be polite. Life demands that he get a job, a car, an education. When he tries and tries for naught, he cries out, "Are you fucking kidding me!?"
And when his only friend begs him to fight one last time, for his life, happiness, and future, all he has left to say is, "I don't care anymore."

K: I don't even feel human anymore.

2010-12-19T14:33:00.000-08:00

I can't say what I feel. I honestly have no idea. I'm all... out of sorts. Mixed up and confused. Oh, and I guess I forgot about bell-ringing, oh well.
Part of me just doesn't want to be here anymore. Everything is so complicated, and I feel like everything is moving ahead of me and I've killed myself trying to keep up. I can't talk to people, like I should be able to. I'm a failure at everything but the bare minimum.
Looking ahead, nothing seems worth it. Why am I going through all of this? So I can use any money I'll ever have to go to college. Why? For a career? Well what the fuck is that. The answer: something to waste time till you die.
Greeeat.
Other than that, what is there? Friends? Family? Love?
In the end, this pain is so much more real than any "friends" or "family". They're nothing more than words in the end... That's the point that I've come to.
This world that we've built up around us is teetering on the edge of nothing. All for naught.
And even if love and friends and family were important enough to stick around for... I can't even talk right to the friend I have. My family and I are all fucked up. And... I can't picture anyone ever loving me...
I'm waiting on the edge, just waiting for a sign. A sign, a signal that I should keep trying. A way, a path, a guiding light. Cause nothing makes sense anymore, and the road ahead has never seemed hazier.

K: Though I ask for help in riddles, it is clearer in my mind.

2010-11-10T17:41:00.000-08:00

Clearer in my mind..............................................

Why!?!? Why do I do this to myself!?!?
I regain my emotions, can feel them in full force. Finally, I'm breaking down the barrier, and what happens?
I bring myself to the same point that I was at before! I'm gasping for breath, trying my best to not break down. I can only call it love, because only love could cause this much pain. It makes no sense, why do I do this to myself. Why is it that this one man, no matter what changes, remains the sole man in my vision at the end of the day?
No matter what, I'm in pain. I can frolic in my daydreams, can weave the most beautiful scenes of the things I want to hear more than any other word. I see the things that I would sacrifice everything for, and even though I'm filled with unexplainable joy, it hurts. Hurts to the point where I'm clutching my chest, fearing that the pressure could crush my heart at any moment.
I could picture it perfectly, and my joyous writhing agony is only made stronger by the actual picture I now have. My proof, that I fought with myself over so much, and finally made myself obtain. I don't regret getting that picture, because it means that he could smile in my presence, that on that day, we were so close to each other.
But after the happiness from my delusions faded I was only left in pain. Now I'm stewing in the true emotions that are causing the pain. I just want to be free, but I don't think I will be until I get out of high school. As long as he exists near me, as long as I see him on a regular basis, I will never be able to quit this habit. This habit of falling for him on a daily basis.
"The definition of a crazy person is someone that does the same things over and over again while expecting new results." Fuck Regina Spektor, defining me so well.

K: ...

2010-10-05T15:56:00.000-07:00

I no longer see a point in living. I dread waking up each morning, because I dread everyday that follows every morning. And every night, I get into bed, and sometimes I sleep, a restless sleep, fraught with dreams. When I don't sleep, I stay up late doing nothing. I may do homework, I may play a game, I may watch TV, but still I am doing nothing. Either way, I do not get enough sleep, and so every morning it gets harder and harder to wake up. I am always tired, I am often dumb. I fall in love with all of the wrong people, because there is no one right for me. I have no money, and no chance at a job. I have little skill in singing, which I use often, but with no reason. That is okay with me. I have some talent at writing, but is it enough for a career? I doubt it. What am I to do? I have no hope, no future, no life. I have next to no friends, and the ones that I do have are disconnected from me. I see no reason why I should get up tomorrow. Or the next day. Or the day after that. This brings up the question, why do I continue living? Suddenly thoughts of self-injury begin springing forth, hounding me, turning my nails in on me, only desiring to tear what little resolve for life I have left.
I have come down this road before, and I know it's name.
Depression.

K: Kinda big...

2010-09-07T05:24:00.001-07:00

Yesterday I had what felt like a huge epiphany. When it finally hit me, I was sitting on Hannah's bed, "working" on a collage while kinda deep in thought, and then I realized what everything that I had been feeling and thinking meant, and I almost cried it was bad.
Now the things that led up to this were thought processes over the course of like, a couple years.
Probably the most prominent thought I can remember starting the chain was when I finally asked myself, "Why do I hate my parents? I know there are tons of little things that piss me off, but I know there is one big thing that has ruined out relationship..."
The entire time my heart and mind were being plagued by everything that I had been through in the past. I didn't know why, I figured that I had already dealt with them, had gotten over those memories and pains....
The epiphany I had, finally answered that question. It just pulled everything together...
Yesterday I had gone to my cousins' b-day party, and it was really long, and really boring. My parents of course ignored my pleas to leave, though I was losing my mind. The point where it was over for me, leading to me just sitting outside till we left, was when we watched a video of my fifth birthday. Well, nothing really bugged me except those two babysitters my dad cheated on my mom with were in it. And what actually pissed me off was all of them going, "Oh, they were so niiice." and my mom saying, "She was soooo cute."
When they all knew what happened! And these huge awful things that happened in the past have all been blown over. "Forgotten." Then thoughts and feelings that I had all at separate times started coming together. They had always done that. Kissed the wound, then ignored it like it was nothing.
But, you can't do that if the wound is serious! Do you know what it does to a child's mind to be told, "We might get a divorce.", and to hear about him FUCKING two 17 year old!? And then for it to INSTANTLY fucking vanish, and suddenly have my dad turn into a fucking church beaten dog controlled by my mother!? I hated both of them! And neither of them helped me understand or heal.
Of course, that hardly left a big enough scar to reduce me to what I am today.
But when I was... used... molested >.<. Multiple times, multiple people. FUCK.
When I was suddenly introduced to pot and cigarettes, and possibly even fucking cocaine!
When I was distraught and crazy, and was molesting OTHER people, and was hating myself, and hating life, and only wanted to be physical cause it, "felt so good,"to the point where I was asking random men to find me at my house and use me! I mean c'mon!!! The molesting, and all that fucking bullshit, that was when I was fucking 7 probably when it started, 9 or 10 when it stopped! And the rest of it, all came slowly flooding in with middle school and puberty. It was disgusting and horrid, and I was sooo fucking confused!!!
When all of the shit with the... first part, happened, my parents knew. At least part of it, they knew. They knew that kids had used me, done........ and they knew that I had been convinced it was normal, ended up doing it back to them.. I think I'm gonna be sick remembering, but.... I was still alone. They knew, and they freaked out for a moment, and then I was never talked to about it again. It was like it never happened. I hadn't learned anything, I didn't even understand what had happened. And then it happened again, even worse. That fat, disgusting, thing... ugh.
If I had actually been raped, I would have gone insane. I mean... I'm... fucking crazy.
And I think it's all because I had to take care of myself through all of that. But the way I had been raised, I didn't know how to deal with those kinds of situations, especially not by myself!! So while there were huge tears in my chest, stomach, heart destroyed, brain fucking blended, everything all screwed up, my parents kissed it, and left me to heal myself.
And, being a child, I did a really bad fucking job.
So now, I have a REALLY hard time trusting people. Like... it's been a long time since I've opened up to someone and felt like they understood the complexity and intensity of what I felt.
I guess now I know who's going to read this... >.>
So I'll throw in some other things that are loosely related to the topic, that have been bugging me cause I haven't told anyone yet.
I... have been having like... urges again.
I cut my pinky on the folgers coffe grounds container and it was... interesting.
SO there's that. Ya know, desire to hurt myself, beat myself to a bloody pulp. All that jazz.
Cambian is also pissing me off. No matter what she won't admit if she's wrong, and only wants to blame others. First she decides that her entire problem is all Hannah and I's fault, because we tried to help her when she told us that the thing that would've been smartest in our opinions wouldn't work. Then when I get mad and tell her that she's being childish for not accepting responsibility, she decides that I'm being stupid and butting in when I don't know what I'm talking about. Which is bullshit, because I have made sure to keep updated on everything that happens. *sigh*
I feel so drained. :/
And now that I finally know why my relationship with my parents is utterly clusterfucked with hate and mistrust, I can never be close to them. I guess I already knew that, but I didn't know why. >.<
UGH.
Also, this is the first time I mentioned a lot of the shit that happened to me on a public type thingamajigger... sooo I'm really nervous about posting this.
Blah.

I Want To Have A Dream About You

2010-06-10T04:16:00.001-07:00

I want to have a dream of joy involving you.

Cute talking while holding hands in cold weather.

Scarves and sweaters, and red noses and rosy cheeks,

and hugs and giggles and blushes, and more cute talking.

This dream will have all of our feelings laid bare.

Nervous squirming butterflies teeming somewhere between my chest and stomach.

That moment at the end where we look deep into each other's eyes

and I see what you're thinking in yours and you feel what I'm screaming in mine.

And you take my hand and kiss it to be a dork, and you kiss me on the cheek to be sweet,

And you kiss me on the lips to be honest, and you kiss me goodbye cause it's late.

And I go straight to my room, and fall giggling to the ground with the shock of suddenly not bitter, but oh so sweet joy. And I fall.

And then, the dream ends, and I hope it isn't a dream forever.

M: dear formspring asshole:

2010-04-21T20:10:00.000-07:00

i will inform you of a few things right now.
first off, it is extremely impolite of you to be acting so immature about something you have NO control over. i am no puppet, and your sick and horrible tormenting will not make me change my mind about the choices i make.
second, you call me a sinner. you are just as much a sinner as any of us. according to the original version of the king james bible, sewing more than one type of seed in the same field is a sin. which means, every single time you eat out of a vegetable garden, or you plant some flowers together, you are sinning. it also says that to combine more than one fabric is a sin... or that you shouldn't weave one strand with another. meaning that any time you wear a shirt that is half cotton, half polyester, you are sinning. it also says that ALL sins are EQUAL, so my lifestyle of being gay is just as bad as your lifestyle of being a close minded pervert with an unforgiving soul. you are supposed to love everyone in the world, and you are showing hate to anyone who believes different than you. i would really really appreciate if you would leave me alone, and if i ever find out who you are, i will sue you for harassment, you sick freak.
third, you are the worst speller i have ever encountered. you are a disgusting person, and people like you are the reason other people kill themselves. it's people like you who drive people to the edge of their sanity and make other people feel alone, hated, tormented, scared to leave their house. you need to wake up and realize that if you're going to use religion and God to smite me, or any other person who has commited a sin in their life, that you are sinning just the same as any of us, and even moreso, because you refuse to keep an open mind and just go with the flow that you're here to go with.
if you EVER learn how to be a good, decent and accepting person, i'd really really like to hold a conversation with you and see you admit that you were wrong. until then, i really hope you get your act together, or pay for the extremely hurtful and wrong things that you say. i will love who i want, i will be with who i want, i will eat, sleep, drink, feel, say whatever i want, and you are only a minor speedbump in my life, and i will get over you... and hopefully, you will be cracked forever with the shame of how much of a jerk you really are. you will not have a friend in the world, if you continue to act this way.
so, kindly,
screw off.
i'd like to thank the academy.
goodnight

K: What Do I say?

2010-03-25T10:08:00.000-07:00

What do I say? What do I do?
I’m hitting rock bottom
And all I can think of is you.

I no longer see a point, no reason or rhyme
One may have never existed
I just kept dreaming that you could be mine

It was stupid and foolish, horribly wrong
Now I know the truth
We weren’t meant to be all along

I’ve hit rock bottom now, after months of falling
The scars crawl up my arms
And still I keep looking up to the sky, to the place where I see you calling

But now I’m closing my eyes, or perhaps they’ve swollen shut
Darkness overtakes me
After all we’ve been through, it was for naught

The maggots begin to feast, on my abandoned flesh
Numbness has erupted in me
My screams muffled by the fact that I could care less

No need for goodbyes, the words go unspoken
I’ll remember the good times
Please, if there is a god, let me wake up unbroken

K: How The Fire Died

2010-03-22T17:51:00.000-07:00

The way we talk, the way I feel
Blows my mind, it’s just too real
You hold my hand, my face turns red
Then you talk about her, and I feel dead
She hurts you once, she hurts you twice
So you reminisce, about when she was nice
I cry before you, and make my appeal
You reject me, and say “she just needs time to heal”

I walk home alone, thinking in the rain
“How can you love me, but let me be in such pain?”
As my heart feels torn, like I’m physically breaking
I think for a while, about why I am aching
The feelings inside, the happiness I’ve felt
The way I suddenly just want to melt
I know in my mind, I must be insane
But my heart just keeps screaming, “This is worth trying again”

There’s a fire inside me, it’s burning bright
Composed of colors, that could turn day into night
Already so strong, the most beautiful thing
My heart has produced, makes me want to sing
But it is so young, just starting to grow
My capacity to love you, is so much more than you know
Is there no hope, because it just doesn’t seem right
That the chance we have, will go without a fight

I get into bed, ready to rest
Suddenly you call up, saying you’ve sorted the mess
Everything’s fine, that love of yours pulled through
“Too bad champ, guess you can look for someone new”
My heart snaps, my mind says it knew
That this would end badly, that I would be slew
I choke up and cry, as the pain swells in my chest
He quietly tells me, he’s sorry we ever confessed

No words come to mind, there is nothing to say
I have never felt pain as intense since that day
The world can't be fair, nothing can be right
Because I was told my fire had to die that night\
The most beautiful thing I have ever felt
Smashed in the dirt, till it was put out
Never again will I let myself fall
Into that horrible trap, the Siren's Call

K: I Guess It's Time

2010-03-22T17:50:00.000-07:00

Like a flower
Dying in the cold,
My head hangs lower
As events unfold.

You look at me;
"I'm sorry" is in your eyes.
With your pity,
I feel my heart die.

I don't want to be sour
Or act bitter and old,
But when I see you with her
I wanna be run over in the road.

To be free,
Like a bird in the sky
Is what I must be,
For this to be right

So with effort,
and a bit of pain,
I begin to distort
this path of eternal rain.

As the clouds part
I look back and wish
That my lonely heart
Could have found bliss.

K: You were right.

2010-03-20T03:32:00.000-07:00

I have these feelings that I need to describe. This guy will probably read this anyways. Might be the only person to read this haha.
But I need time to form my thoughts because the feelings are complicated.

So the main feeling is this heavy crushing... death grip on my heart.
It seems like a mix of every dark emotion I have running through me. Jealousy, sorrow, anger, loneliness, fear, and strangely hope.
Hope is not necessarily a dark feeling, but it's humpin all of the other ones.
It's like they are feeding off of each other.
I don't want to believe I have a chance, because I thought I already convinced myself from the beginning that no matter what this can't end happily for me... But I can't help myself.

Because there are these other feelings. They feel deep. Strong. Passionate and beautiful.
These are the feelings that get me excited when I know I'm going to talk to him soon. The feelings that make my heart skip a beat when I hear his voice. The feelings that bring to mind dreams and fantasies of what could be...
They are but a glimpse of what I could feel. A fraction of what I know I am capable of giving.
It is these feelings that make me want to believe I have a chance. Because of how amazing my love could flourish if only I had the chance. What an amazing relationship could exist between us...
But those are mere fantasies... His heart belongs to another.
Even if given the chance, I doubt I could make him happy enough.

But then that defiant side, that bright side, full of love and hope screams out! Why can't I make him happy!?
I am strong, my love runs deep. The amount I care for him surprises me more and more with the rising and setting of each day's sun.
His happiness is my main objective. I would strive for it with every fiber of my being, because I know that if he wasn't in this situation, if he could be with me, then he would try just as hard to make me happy too.

All of these feelings, they mix and mingle. They fight and argue. My desires battle my depression, my anger battles my hopelessness, my deep deep care bashes and drowns any feelings of selfishness.
And so I sit, in this confused, conflicted, torn state. All I can do is try and keep him happy, and support him in whatever choice he makes.
Anytime I do this it brings on the pain. Overwhelming pain. It surrounds all of the other feelings and starts suffocating me.

As I go through all of this emotion, I neither move forward or backwards. I am stuck in this confused pit.
And I don't want out.

I know how to escape. The route is simple but painful. All I have to do is resolve to move on, and utterly destroy that beautiful love that I have for him.
But I can't, and won't do it. I am strong. I will stick it out to the end.
Perhaps it is stupidity, or just stubbornness. Maybe I just can't get the image out of my head of what could be.
Either way, they are both that thing called hope. The feeling that strings together all of my dark and bright feelings. Hope and love are what keep me going. Unable to believe that there is no possibility for me.

I guess I'm pretty foolish...
>.<
I wonder if any of this even makes sense, or is news that has yet to be heard.
A lot of this post if just the sides of my emotions that I suppress. The side that wants, and needs. The side that truly truly loves.

There may be more to say, but I have to stop myself now.
SO... woo random shitty posting xD
<3
Kyle

PS: You were right, it is I've always been the wallpaper.

K: It's been a while...

2010-03-11T09:32:00.000-08:00

A few months actually. I just didn't feel like blogging. After all like maybe two people will read it xD
But that's kinda why I am posting this now. I just need to get it out, and I don't necessarily want or need people to read it. I don't mind them reading it, I just don't need them to.
My chest... it hurts. It's heavy. I feel really strained.
Basically for the past month or two, I have been dragging my heart through the dirt to try and make this guy feel better.
He really is a great guy, other wise I wouldn't put myself through this. He is having huge problems with his current relationship, and it seems like every week or two it goes into like crisis mode, and pretty soon after that, he calls me and we talk for a couple of hours.
I really want to be with him, so much, but unfortunately I care more about his happiness, and right now what will make him happiest is being with her. So anytime he needs me, I listen, and talk to him about whatever he needs to get out, even though it hurts...
It just kinda sucks, cause when things are rough he just bounces around with what he misses and loves about her, and then he reminisces about Freshman year, and the fun times we spent together, and then he goes back to either problems with her or things he loves about her, and then he tells me how amazing I am for listening to all of it even though he knows it hurts me.
I just tell him it doesn't matter.
When his relationship stabilizes he apologizes to me a lot, and he tells me constantly that I deserve better, and that I am the most selfless person ever.
But since he can't give me better, I don't really want it.
I just don't want anyone else right now.
And everytime his relationship gets rocky... Gosha I'm such a fuckhole.
But still I get a little spark of hope that maybe... I'll have a chance...
It's awful, but I can't stop myself.
But his relationship always gets better, and my aching heart sinks into a deep hole full of shit.
Oh well.
It was nice to get that out.
-Kyle

M: Eff My Balls.

2010-02-18T13:15:00.000-08:00

I completely forgot about everything on the internet.
I guess it's because I've been grounded for so long that I just forgot about the world.
haha.
Anyways, I don't really have much to talk about at this moment, but I remebered you. ((:
So i guess that's good.
(((:

Anyways, I'll add a WHOLE shit load later on.
I promise.
((:
Bye.

Lots of like,
-mlw.

K: I remember why I hate myself!!!

2009-12-01T15:46:00.000-08:00

Lately, I have been remembering and realizing all of the reasons I hate myself.
Some of them I will not mention, but those reasons are rooted deep, and are totally plausible and unarguable reasons for me to hate myself.
But other than that cluster of problems, I have this problem where I feel like it's fine for me to think I am ugly, but I think every other guy should find my fucking hot. Of course I know this is ridiculous, and I know most of them won't because they are straight, but I still get almost mad when guys don't find me attractive.
This leads me to another reason why I hate myself. I have this RIDICULOUS jealousy problem. Any guy that I find attractive, I get jealous over every time I see them staring at any girl or any girl staring at that guy.
I have well, tons of examples. Many many examples. This is one of the problems that I have experienced with most guys actually. It is also usually a slight annoyance when one of my friends get a new boyfriend.
Kind of related to the one before the last one, is that often if I think a guy is even slightly bi or gay, or if I happen to like him a lot, then I will think he is into me if he even gives me a smile. That usually leads to pain and stupidity. I now know when I am having one of these problems but... ugh.
Today was one of those days where I really noticed it. One of my guy friends, whom I have been attracted to for the longest time, recently broke up with his girlfriend. He is really flirtatious with just about everyone, and I experienced all three of the problems that I just described. I got mad that flirted with me when I knew he didn't want me, I got jealous cause he flirted with other girls(which he did before, but I usually didn't care), and at one point just cause we were sitting next to me and our feet touched, and he looked at me and smiled and it felt like we looked at each other for a bit longer than normal, I was practically ready to go.
Honestly if he were to make any implication that he would actually be willing to do anything I would be like... right there and now, but that's another problem entirely.
But yeah...

Then... I'm so lonely... And now, because I'm thinking about these problems...
Mer... It's just... As I walk around school alone, I look at everyone that I pass... and there will be times when I see a someone looking at a guy or a girl like they are the only person in the room. I see it with Cambian and Dennis, Dakota and JayJay. There are couples around school where it's like they just can't be apart, like they need one another.
I just want a guy who will feel that way about me. It may be fuckin selfish, but why can't I want that if everyone else gets it.
It's one of the reasons I get so jealous when I see guys staring at girls...
I feel like... no guy has ever looked at me like that. No guy has ever wanted me so much that they've tried with all of their might to resist me, but in the end couldn't help it and pinned me to a wall even though we are in public...
It's stupid, and well... I don't know. That brings me to another point, do I want to hold off until I find a guy who wants me like no other and needs me and desires me in every physical way but also in every emotional and mental way. Do I want to wait for a man that wants me like a drug, a man that will actually try to work out a long-term relationship with me. Or do I just want a guy that will just use me up physically and then leave me to waste...
The answer should be obvious... but the likeliness to find someone who would actually go through a long term relationship with me is slim to none... so fuck...

Fuck my life.
Kyle

2009-11-30T10:13:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving break is over, and now I find myself back at school.
Same old thing as ever, except we are only here for three weeks before Christmas break starts. Woo!
For me the break was generally uneventful, but I enjoyed it. Unfortunately, most of my plans to hang out with people fell through, and I spent a lot of time stuck in the house.

Thanksgiving itself was, well, kinda interesting. It involved going to my grandparents on my mom's side's house, walking to the canal down a hill from Mariah's house, smoking under the bridge for said canal, and then going back to my grandparent's house and taking a nap xD
It wasn't too bad.
As usual I don't have as much to say when I'm in a positive mood sooo...
Peace bitches
:P Kyle

K: Weird ponderings

2009-11-20T02:35:00.001-08:00

I was in a very insightful mood this evening that I realized that the method of suicide that had always sounded so appealing was hanging myself. It would also have to be from a height that if I were to be able to force myself to jump I would have no chance of survival, and that the death would be caused by the snapping of my neck not the suffocating of my lungs.
I just imagined like, standing on a tall lamp post and just walking off of it with a noose around me neck.
And I like lamp posts.

K: What I want to tell those people...

2009-11-19T19:30:00.000-08:00

I am a very angry person lately, and you see, every single time one of you swine open your disgusting mouths, and begin to spew the SHIT that you do, I get more angry. Eventually, I will snap. Guess what!
It is you SWINE that will feel the full force of my wrath!
I may have to go to your little church on Wednesdays, but that means nothing.
I do not want to hear about your fucked up god, and I do not want to hear a WORD out of that book of deceit!
I will not hear your lies, and your brainwashing does not work on me.
You are also not allowed to give me a single order. I will do what I want, when I want. That means that I will listen to my music when I want, which will be most of the time. I will leave when I want, regardless of what you say.
I will not break the law in your little church, I will not break any of your little rules like having food and drink in the sanctuary, and I will not try and convert any of your little zombies away from the demon's grasp you have on their minds.
Tell them all of the lies and twisted truths you want.
Destroy their ability to think for themselves, and force them to lead boring uneventful lives.
Just stay the fuck away from me and leave me alone.

K: The dreams I just had...

2009-11-16T17:18:00.000-08:00

I remember about three pieces of the overall dream. I think it was all kind of connected, but it felt almost like it was disconnected too......
There was something in the beginning that I can't remember, and somewhere in the beginning I was gonna start selling drugs, bu Cambian stopped me, and I decided that she was right.
Eventually I reached a point where I was seeing flashes of some of the kids that I recognized as some the kids that have walked darker paths; I saw Shorty, Perry, and kids that I had just felt what they had done before. Soon enough the flashes came to a stop with Maci and a group of friends of hers, and Cambian and I.
Now the dream moved into real-time. Cambian and I were hanging out, and I saw Maci alone. I just kinda started saying, "Hey look! It's kinda sad she's the only one of her group left..." And then Cambian picked me up and carried me down the hallway towards the front door.
The dream shifted a bit after this. Cambian, Whitney, possibly Dennis, and I were hanging out near the doors to the school, and one of us said something about going across the street, so we went outside... and the school grounds were beautiful. The school was on a grassy hill. The sky was a calming, lovely gray. A creek was running next to the hill, and it was an icy dark blue. The hill was kind of a plateau, with a flat top. The dark green was pretty and wet from recent rain. There were a series of puddles near the front of the school, and a bunch of the guys from the school were playing football in a muddy patch next to it. We talked and hung out there for a little bit before I ran out and started hopping in puddles. I slipped and fell into one and couldn't get up no matter what. But I was laughing happily, even though I kept saying that it was freezing cold. Haha none of them would help me up either!

It was a really weird dream, with a very unclear meaning, but I woke up really calm and relaxed. It was awesome.
-Kyle

M: Jesus. Shit. Kyle.

2009-11-10T17:25:00.000-08:00

You say fuck a lot.
I love you.

K: Fuck my life man!!!

2009-11-05T17:27:00.000-08:00

:/
.......
My mom is a bitch.
School feels... wrong.
My heart feels like it's snapping.
Everything is off................

UGH FUCK!
All I wanna do is go and slash at myself like fucking crazy.
I feel so shitty. Nothing is working out... My mom just spent the last half hour bitching at me for my sleeping habits and grades. My grades are great, they're better than they have been in years. My sleeping habits have ALWAYS been awful, and they haven't interfered with my schooling yet, and now that they have, I already started sleeping earlier like a week ago. She is sooooo stupid, and she thinks that she knows what is best for me, but I figure out my problems and help myself AGES before she does anything to help me, and all she ends up doing is pissing me off!

At school, it seems like my friendships, my schoolwork... it's working, but it's not.
Shit man. Like my friendships have been alright, but they are... haha stagnant. I guess that is fine though...
In class... ugh I hate all of my classes. I don't enjoy learning anymore. Do you know how sad that is!?!?!?
I used to love learning!!! But now I care not for it. Senior year I am probably going to Anderson High. Even if I get beat up, at least I won't fail.

Every free moment of thought I have... and even when I'm thinking of things, he is on my mind. I do not want to be in love with him. I do not want to spend every waking moment thinking about him, staring in his direction, dreaming of being with him.
I am so fucking done.

... Why is life so stressful, always with so much to worry about. I want to try to help my friends that need it too, but with asshole parents, and the restrictions around me, I feel like I can't.

Fuck it. I can and cannot do what I really want to at this moment.......
MEEEEEHHHHHHH
-------Kyle-------

K: I'm a stalker

2009-11-03T18:39:00.000-08:00

OMFG
I am such a creeeeeppppeeerrrrrr >.<

I spent all day staring at him. God damn it fuck my life. It was all I could do, every class when he was visible, I dropped everything.
We were given a test in Anatomy, and I did like a page out of 8 or something. All because I spent most of it staring out the window into one of the windows to the imaging room because he was next to it.
I swear he caught me a few times over the day. Gosha I'm a freak.

Other than that, I think I am slipping in my classes. Though it is partly due to the fact that he is visible in a few of my classes, so I just spend my time staring at him, it is mostly due to the fact that I'm a lazy dumbass. Yep. And I have horrible sleeping habits, and am unable to get my feelings and thoughts out often, which fucks me up.

I ate all of my candy already. Sad right?
But at least the experience was AWESOME.
SOOOOOOOOOOO

I am a creepy boy who stares at poor tall guys and then writes shit about them.

-Kyle

K: To Stockton and back again

2009-11-02T19:54:00.000-08:00

For Halloween this year, Cambian took Whitney and I to Stockton. It was pretty much the best little mini vacation I could ask for.
I got some time away to just hang out with Cambian and Whitney. I got to meet Clarissa, Cambian's best friend since like forever(that's a long time), and she's a total badass. Overall it was really fun.
Coming back to school immediately afterward sucked ass though. I ended up leaving half way through the day because I was feeling so shitty xD
I was sneezing every five fucking minutes, I was really irritable, and I hadn't slept the night before... WOO!
Other than that, nothing new has been happening. I'm kind of falling behind in school, in Music Appreciation and Studies specifically.

In the music area, I have run into another My Chem obsession. It always happens haha. It's usually the same songs too. This time it's cause I watched the music video for "Ghost of You". I cried, and that was that.

I found myself looking up quotes and songs for unrequited love. Fuck I even looked up unrequited love on wikipedia. I really hate when wikipedia has the symptoms for things like mental disorders and how people act when suffering from things like unrequited love, and I fit the description perfectly. I'm such a crazy though, I believe in a diagnosis from Wikipedia!
I don't think I'm in love... I'm just ridiculously insanely creepily crazy over this one guy.
Who knows what's wrong with me. Hell I'm falling for a guy who has God and Jesus as his heroes on myspace -_-
I'm soooooo fucked up, but it's okay, I have fucked up friends to hang out with =D
WOO

K: I really don't like cars

2009-10-24T22:46:00.000-07:00

I went to the movies today. Cambian, Whitney, possibly Dennis, and I were supposed to see "Where The Wild Things Are" together, but nobody else showed up besides me. That wasn't so bad though, I loved the movie, and it was probably best for me to have seen it alone. The movie itself was quite amazing. You(the reader) have no idea how bad I want to read the book now. The story it told was really emotional and touching, and I think it did a very good job of showing every one's feelings in a struggling family. You have the typical older sibling, who is now distant from the rest of the family, and at first she seems awful. The mother seems to love her son a lot, but is having a lot of trouble keeping the family together and supporting them without a man in the house, and she tries dating, but her son can't take her seeing other men and destroys her night. The son is very deep. He seems just, alone. He wants to connect ot his sister, but she is distanced and pushes him away. His mom loves him and tries to help him out, but she is having a problem with dealing his anger issues on top of everything else. He is a very emotional and imaginitive boy, which reminds me of myself. Actually I connected to a lot in this movie, and what I hadn't personally experienced, I still understood. But because his way of dealing with his anger, loneliness, and pain was to lash out, he ended up hurting everyone around him. When he runs away and ends up on the island he meets a group of, I'm guessing by the title, wild things. The movie never straight out explains what they are, but essentially they just seem like reflections of his feelings, and his families feelings. Because of this it was like he was suddenly watching from the outside. As he connects to each of them, he realizes more and more that he didn't understand why his mother and sister did the things they did. Overall it was a great movie that made me think a lot. Like how a lot of the problems in the world are caused by misunderstandings, and the reason there is pain, is simply because no one takes the time to listen to each other anymore. Hell they practically said that was one of the reasons everything sucked when he went to talk to one of the wild things, who all throughout the movie is trying to be heard, but no one will listen, and Max(the boy) goes and talks to him much later on, and when he says, "So no one really listens to you" or whatever, you can tell that that is how Max feels.
I don't know... I look too deeply into things, or maybe I'm right... fuck I don't know.
I cried like three or four times though. It made me glad I was alone, but feel awful that I was alone. The other people in the theater must have thought I was crazy or depressing or something xD

Afterwards I walked most of the way home. I love walking... Hate cars though. I'll get into that eventually.
I tlaked ot myself most of the way, cried even more. I guess, I have never felt understood really, and I can't talk to anyone because no one seems to actually want to listen, and whenever someone is like, "I'll listen, you can always talk to me!" I look at them and... I can't...
When I realized I still felt like I couldn't talk to anyone and I had no one to listen to me, I felt pretty bad. I have some great friends...
So then I ended up listing every single reason why I cannot talk to any of them. Love them to death, but they can't help me... That's why I have a blog. I write everything that I'm feeling, and then sometimes people will read it, and at least then someone will have heard it, regardless of if they understand or not... Though I really wish someone could understand...
I would feel REALLY bad if I actually listed the reasons why I can't talk to my friends, so I think I will just write that down on a document and hide it on my computer, so I can at least get it out and it won't come out randomly seven or ten years later like what happened at Cambian's house.......

Really, ideally, the world I would want to live in would have about ten humans. Twenty max. That way, everyone could talk to each other, know each other. No one would have to be left out, and not so many bad things would happen. If everyone understood why a person felt a certain way, then maybe those people wouldn't feel so misunderstood, and maybe they wouldn't feel the need to hurt others, physically, mentally, or materially. this brings me to hating cars... I wanna move away to an island where no one lives. I want to be alone. That way I can get away from cars. And of course, planes, trains, boats, all those things that eventually speed the people you love away and bring the people you hate to you. These things also kind of ruin life. As soon as people started exploiting nature to move places faster, the little things dissapeared. No one seems to quite understand my love of walking. When you are walking, you can think. You can feel. You can let go, because at the moment, there is nothing you can do but walk to your destination. These days that is ruined. Places that take maybe a great four hour walk, can be done in 30 minutes. Sure that may seem silly of me, but well... at least when you finish your walk, you feel like you accomplished something, instead of just having that normal feeling of the trip being nothing impressive...
We live in a world that requires you go distances for things uneeded. Everyone has to travel so far, for college, for jobs, for that perfect weather. There's no such thing as enjoying what you have where you have it, because if you don't like it, you can just leave, in a matter of hours you can be in a completely different climate, with completely different people, with completely different rules, and the feeling of accomplishment is kind of destroyed. Even when people were heading west, using horses and carriages and what nots, it was still a difficult journey. Something taxing and challenging, which is important to have to go through if you want to just skip out on the life you had. You have to be tried and tested to see if you deserve to start a new life. Not anymore, now all you need is a big wallet. So those who are undeserving of a new life get to go just cause they bring in the bug bucks, and those that need a new life can't because they have nothing.

On another note, my little loneliness is issue is getting slightly more irritating. All I keep thinking is that I want this one guy to be gay. Life would be soooo much simpler, because he is just about perfect in every way, even if no one else can see it. I'm writing more because of it though. I have written two little short... things, about how him, or maybe just my lonlieness in general. One of which I posted, the other I am keeping in my thing of paper... notebook thing. Whatever..

Phew... I guess that's enough for now............ Uhm, now remember kiddies, communication is important, sharing is caring, and try to understand those that make you feel bad. Maybe they feel bad too.

My name is Kyle, and I am emotionally retarded.

K: Dreams of Escaping Reality to Live Out Your Dreams(A short... thing)

2009-10-19T10:38:00.000-07:00

He nestled into the familiar chair, emptied his mind of the days thoughts, and pulled the visor down over his eyes. Again he felt the familiar loss of senses. The smell his room, the feel of the chair, the chill against his spine. Suddenly he was immersed in another world, his world, his haven.

He opened his eyes and turned his head. There, next to him, was the embodiment of his happiness and dreams. His man lay there, sleeping peacefully. With a bit of effort he retrieved himself from the bed and rubbed the sleep from his eyes. In the back of his head he felt a voice, his voice whisper, "It feels so real..."
Sean shook his head, ignoring the roaming thought.
He made his way to the kitchen, and got out a skillet. It was his routine, wake up, make breakfast for Derrick and himself, shower, and then off to work. It wasn't the most interesting routine, but it was happy. It was all he ever wanted.
Derrick walked into the kitchen, blond hair disheveled, a big smile across his face. Due to his long legs it only took him two steps to get to Sean, and in an instant Sean was in Derrick's arms. The feeling of bliss that spread through his body was everything to him, it was what he desired every moment, to revel in that beautiful warmth, and to take in his man's strong scent. Unfortunately, his indulgence in his form of heaven had to be cut off after 10 minutes of holding on so tight.
Derrick bent over and whispered in his ear, "You have to go to work."
"But I haven't finished making breakfast..."
"You'll end up late," He said, before nudging him towards the door to the bedroom.

Sean thought to himself as he pulled his shirt on, "Derrick is so lucky, living out his dreams. All he has to do for work is play his guitar, and write music... but I guess this is what I always wanted... to be happily in love with someone that I can be with forever."
He brushed his hair, which always seemed to go perfectly the way he wanted to.

Before he left, a loving kiss was bestowed upon him by his knight in shining armor, and the next thing he knew, he was in his car.

The drive to his work was always interesting. With his music up loud, he would watch everyone that he drove past, look at everything around him at every stop sign. Everything and everyone seemed so happy. It had been everything he had ever dreamed of. Peace had taken hold, and anger was usually resolved immediately with a quick talk and a handshake, a hug, or just a smile. Smiles were typical everywhere.

At work he was greeted by his friends, Violet and Tiffany. They had been friends since high School, and they had all ended up owning a salon together. They spent all day styling and cutting people's hair, just making people feel better in the body that they were given. They talked and met many kind people, and they enjoyed each other. It was everything Sean had ever wanted in a job, to make people feel better about themselves, and to spend his time with people he loved.
"Hey Sean!" Tiffany called across the room when he walked in, "How are you?"
"Just lovely dear, just lovely," Sean said, his eyes twinkling in the way that they did when he was truly happy.
Violet unlocked the cash register, and walked towards him, "Life has been pretty nice lately, hasn't it?"
"Yeah... it really has," Sean sighed happily, looking back at how great things were.
"How did all of this happen?" whispered the voice in the back of his head. Everything blacked out for a moment, total system shock.
Then he relaxed, what was he even thinking? He was being ridiculous. Besides, why ponder about the past, when the present was looking so great!
They went about their work as usual, just like every other perfect day. A regular or two came in, and the day went by quickly, talking about how lovely everything was.
Sean had to close up that day, but Violet and Tiffany helped clean up before they left, so it wasn't difficult. Sean could hardly contain his excitement for that evening. Derrick was going to be in a concert with his band. Ever since they had met, Sean got every chance to see Derrick play, just to see the look on his serious face, and to watch him slowly turn six shades of red. Grinning like a child, he locked up the shop, and drove off to meet up with Derrick at the concert.

That night was another magical night. Standing in the front of the crowd, he cheered the loudest when the band came out, and took in every thing he saw, heard, and smelt. The music coming from his boyfriend's guitar entranced him, excited him, made him feel emotion after emotion. He experienced love at it's fullest.
"Can this really be love at its fullest if it's simulated?"
Sean stumbled and clutched his head. After a few minutes he recovered and stood up to find Derrick looking straight at him, with those intense blue eyes making him feel like he was the only one that existed. What more is there than this? If this feeling is not love, then what is?
Sean made his way backstage. He looked around for a bit but couldn't find who he was looking for. Then he was hugged from behind, and that warmth spread through his body from the points of contact. Sean laughed and turned around to be face to face with his one and only. Looking into those eyes that never seemed to end, Sean was brought up into a long, passionate kiss that dragged on until...

The room was dark. He had been there for hours. His heart was fluttering from the last experience. He couldn't see anything because of the damn visor. Sean pulled it off slowly and tossed it aside, he was mentally exhausted. Looking up, he saw the final scene he experienced before the machine removed him from the simulation. There he was, wrapped in the arms of the one he thought about most. Silent tears ran down his cheeks. The crying had to be done now anyways, otherwise he would burst out in bitter sobs every moment he had to spend in the same room as Derrick at school. He had turned to torturing himself with his little world. His escape had become just another cause for his pain.
Sean shut off the machine. The whirring stopped, the room got even darker, a chill went down his spine. Huddled in a corner, sniffling and sobbing, Sean wept until he fell asleep.

The next morning he woke up, took a shower, got dressed, and got in his mom's car to go to school. The whole day was spent walking around like a zombie. Immediately after returning home he hooked himself back up to the machine, to live out another day in his perfect world, his painfully perfect world. His cycle went on.

[This is just kind of an idea I had while day dreaming. I had to change the names of course, since in the day dream, and the original draft me and this guy I keep staring at are the main characters. The whole story, and the writing style may seem kind of bleh, but it just so happens that I put a lot of thought and meaning into it. I often find myself wishing I lived in a perfect world, and sometimes my day dreams actually feel like my way of escaping, hell I day dream all the time of being held in the way I am in the story. I am also afraid of not succeeding in the real world, so in the story my character has created a future where he gets to be with his friends, enjoy his job, and make enough money to survive. The simulated world is simply the creation of my dreams. Happiness and peace reign, and war is unheard of. It is both saddening, but extremely life saving that this kind of escape does not exist. If such a machine did exist, I would never do anything. I would waste away just as my character has. I also incorporated some little things from my life like how in real life I often get dizzy and nearly black out, and I added that to the story as if it happened because my sub-conscious was fighting against the "dream". I've been really lonely lately, so this was mostly written to make me feel better, and to make more vivid the images of me being held and kissed by him that I have fabricated in my mind's eye...]

A little story by Kyle Falconer...

M: Something About a Dark Abyss?

2009-10-18T20:27:00.000-07:00

Life lately, has taken it's own downward spiral.

Every great thing I had, has now decided to run to the hills with it's head cut off.

Life was so perfect.

I was in love.

I wasn't fighting TOO much with the family.

I was making a new friend.

I was losing weight and feeling wonderful.

Then Taco Bell had to happen.

Now, it had nothing to do with 4th meal,

But I blame the place...

Or... I rather blame myself.

I've been hurting for so many years,

and the one thing...

the ONE THING that has made me feel exactly as every person should feel,

doesn't want to be with me.

Now...

My life is like "The L Word."

Every girl I've dated has somehow dated another person I've dated or a person I've dated has dated a person who's dated a person I once dated.

It's really odd.

I've also never been with another full on lesbian, like myself.

I've only ever date bisexual or straight girls.

My family thinks that's why I get hurt every time I love someone...

I get so comfortable then someone decides they want someone else, or that a boy would be a better choice.

It's so depressing.

My friends have made a lasting impact on me though...

This last weekend was absolutely wonderful.

Everything about it except that 4 hour excerpt on Saturday was wonderful.

You see, this girl... That one I was talking about and so happy with,

spent the day with me, while my friends worked and looked at me as if I were some weak person...

I asked her if I could trust her, and if she'd be my girl, and she said no.

As you all can imagine, I felt as if my heart had been stabbed to a liquid, shoved in a glass bottle, dropped from a tower, and shattered along with the bottle, so I could forever feel that stinging sensation that was love.

I'm being yelled at at the moment to get off, so I'll finish later.

Though heartbreak needs no explanation if you've felt it before.

lots of like,

-mlw.

K: Allergies...

2009-10-18T07:03:00.000-07:00

I can't breathe, and there is snot dripping from my nose. Boy, do I feel beautiful.
Everyone is still asleep, so it's just me and like 10 cats lounging around in the living room.
Ya know, last night I was feeling pretty great. I had trekked a good distance, and I had a lot of time to just think, calm down, be happy. Of course as soon as everyone else got here I felt like shit.
Instantly I was made to feel like I had done something awful. Everything I do is wrong though, so what's new?
Well, I suppose we just live in a day and age where bird feeding is punishable by death, and taking a very long walk means you're friends will suddenly fear for your life/hate you and threaten to break your legs.
My nose feels like it should be removed... like ouch...
This sweater is so gross now. When my allergies get like this, my jackets sleeves suddenly become kleenex. It's quite repulsing actually. I have far too many little habits that just make me sick.

I didn't sleep last night. It sucked, cause I was TIRED.
Mariah slept by pinning me painfully into Cambian's mattress. It was not an enjoyable experience.

And now every few minutes I have to crawl into the bathroom and blow my nose and whimper on the floor because I can't stop sneezing and every sneeze hurts more and more...
Fuck man... The life of Kyle is quite boring...

K: Unloading...

2009-10-14T21:18:00.000-07:00

So I went to youth group today...
Yep, this is gonna be a very interesting blog. Hannah is gonna read this and be all like, "I'mma dissect your brain!!!"
Gosha... I do not do churches well, I am just uncomfortable around them.
Of course anything I say will be put up to debate, which is why I am finding it difficult to express my feelings. I know all I will hear is, "These are just you prejudices and fears ground in from childhood"
But I am a feeling and emotion oriented person, and when every ounce of blood, every inch of skin, when every cell in my body is screaming at the top of their lungs, "DO NO LOSE YOURSELF TO THE CORRUPTION!!!," I know that there is something about that religion that I must stay away from.
I don't deter others from it, I don't attack it unless someone attacks me first. I cannot stand the whole idea. The bible, god, Jesus. All of it is so fucked up!
And then that man had the GALL to tell me that I would be so selfish I would save myself, even if it meant the rest of the world would suffer. He doesn't know me! If I knew that my death, no matter how painful, would save millions, I would give myself in right there.

A lot happened sort of... a lot of it in my head... a lot of it Hannah may not have even caught.
I kind of came to a peaceful resolution when I was outside afterwords though. Basically I don't care. All of these religious people keep driving at me(though actually none of the other religions shove themselves at me so rudely) and I don't want to hear it. I do not care. I don't care about god, or religion.
I felt, uplifted, as I looked at the yellow light above me... it was so pretty. Despite being one of man's awful creations... it had it's beauty.
On the other hand the man's breath smelt like rubber...
He got too close.
When the youth pastor was talking, Hannah kept getting mad at me for not listening, but I was trying! I took in some things. And I knew what I liked and didn't like.
Haha see, if they get to be picky and choosy, so can I!
He went on about how god wants a loving relationship with everyone, where his children are in love with him, and he is in love with him. Well that's nice, I have asked for god's communication, his love, when I needed it most. Nada.
On the other hand, I have asked for love, affection, help from my dearest friends, when I needed them most... And they comforted me. They talk to me when I am down. They are all I need. I want to be with them forever. I want to spend eternity basking in their love, and giving them every drop of love in my body. That is what I need for a fulfilling, happy life. I do not need some imaginary friend to complete me... I have real ones.
I don't need to focus on the distant future, when I am in my deathbed like everyone else. I need to focus on the here and now, and the near future, like the next few years. If I spend my life being happy, being with my friends, and helping others, then I won't have to worry about that day, when I am on my deathbed, because I will be happy and whole, knowing that I lived a full life doing what I loved. Loving.
I am trying my best not to be angry at anyone, so I hope they will not push themselves on me. After all I have to keep going back there until my mom decides I don't again. I hate how she won't make up her mind. One minute she is saying that she doesn't want to make me go because it hurts me so much and I hate it so much. Then she is saying that she doesn't care about how I feel, and that she is going to make me go anyways.

I'm tired. If these people are going to make religion apart of my life again, I may descend back into insanity. I have healed since the last time I had to go to a church for anything, but now I am suddenly feeling the same pattern start. If my heart continues to be attacked like this(Not saying the people are attacking me, it is the thoughts of the religion that infect like a plague) I will turn into something else.
I don't want to become one of them. They all say they are different, each christian says that they are their own person, just following god by choice... but there is something wrong. There is a corruption... Each and every one of them is exactly the same. I see it in their hearts. Their speech, their actions. From the kid versions, to the teen versions, to the adult versions... Eventually they either be this little mindless drone that says the same thing over and over again and won't listen to anything that is said to them, or they become dangerous, insane, and they destroy.
It is a pattern that has been witnessed countless times in history. Hundreds of thousands of deaths, all caused by self-righteous christians, or catholics, or someone following that book of the damned...
I have to go... I'm glad I got this out.
My love for my friends are eternal... and I realized that despite my hate for all bugs... I kind of love dragonflies...
See ya
Kyle...

K: Headache! Neerrrrr....

2009-10-13T09:38:00.000-07:00

Gosha, my head is like GAH!
We just got out of leadership, and we spent the whole time "discussing" the dance them. It involved a lot of yelling and loud talking. Everyone was talking at once, and I got a huuuuge headache that still hurts. >.<
Overall I think it was productive in the end though. We were all like, "FUCK HALLOWEEN THEME"
I love Halloween, but we do it every year. Now we are doing a space theme. Fuck yes. That means glow stars and styrofoam planets. I am so excited. But gosha my head is bursting.
Two of my friends, are being super adorable. They were all holding hands in class, and it was great! =D
I am just feeling so happy for everyone. They all have so much going on for them, and I just want to hug them all and tell them How glad I am that their lives aren't too shitty.
Also my parents have gone retarded apeshit again. They are saying that church is a must again(To which I think I might accidentally burn the place down). They are going to take my TV, which means EXTREME BOREDOM at night. They are taking all of my lil bro's rated M video games, which is most of them, so he is now crying all of the time and freaking out... a bit dramatic, but okay. And they are saying I can't cuss or they are taking money out of my allowance. By the way, they haven't given me a dime for an allowance ever. At first I thought something good might come out of this, meaning I get an allowance... Nope. I still get no money, they are just going to take it out of my pocket money... that doesn't exist.
They aren't the smartest.
Supposedly they want to do this so that we can be together more before I leave at 18, since as much as they say otherwise, they know that at 18 I am getting the fuck out of their.
They are driving me away. Gosha... I wouldn't care that much if the rules had a point, but they don't, and they won't let any discussion happen, which means no negotiation, which means I am uncomfortable with the rules, which means I probably won't follow them.
I don't follow rules if I see no reason to them.
That's why I drank before, almost died, stopped drinking. I know cars are dangerous, therefore I don't drive without proper training... I probably still wouldn't.
Yeah, and all that jazz.

But despite their attempts to make me feel like shit, I feel quite... nice. I feel good. After all, the sun is in the sky... never mind, we are in the middle of a huge, beautiful storm...
But I am still enjoying life quite a lot. Well at least I am enjoying the not-life a lot.
There isn't much life to experience in Anderson xD.
Oh well.
I want to say thanks to the girl who was following the blog, because she is kind of awesome, like really, and I am glad she gave me kind words, cause I thought no one read this blog.
Yay readers.

At the moment I cannot get "LDN" by Lily Allen out of my head, it is ridiculous. Though I do love the song, I have no way to listen to it... grrr....

Head hurts.
I got out thoughts though =DD

I have to go work on my chapter for studies though... I fail SOOO bad lmao.
Bye for now<3
Kyle

M: Wham. Bam.

2009-10-12T13:47:00.001-07:00

Today...

I took a shower.

I ate a box of Pop Tarts all by myself.

I drank a six pack of Dr. Pepper.

I sat in on the drama class and learned how to make a fake scar.

I wrote a line for a song...

It's a wee bit brilliant in ways...

"Break a hand, a leg, a heart, they're all the same, just body parts."

I have no idea why yhis statement popped into my head this morning but it did and I'm very proud of it.

I was asked today in class what I intended to do with my life and I decided that maybe what I want to do with my life is just teach other people to be as happy as I am...

Maybe show somebody that they aren't the only one who's been through a problem.

Y'know what I mean?

I don't know...

I felt like I ought to tell someone.

M: Kyle went to bed...

2009-10-11T01:28:00.000-07:00

I am sitting, or laying rather, in Kyle's bed...
He said he was going to the bathroom, and fell asleep on his brother's bed.
I was watching and entirely consumed in "Moulin Rouge."
Kyle seems to be feeling better on the outside, but I can see that
on the inside, he's still feeling alone... Alienated... Tired... Almost as if he's... Broken.
I went looking for him when after 5 minutes I began to think,
"How much shit can a person hold?"
...
The boy was asleep, wrapped in his younger brother's stained blanket...
I said, "Sweet dreams," to him, and he said he was too tired to move...
I tucked him in.
It's been 31 minutes and 53 seconds since I found him there, and I'm beginning to grow weary myself.

I found myself refreshing my MySpace page every 10 seconds, hoping for that little "ding!" sound that shouts at you when someone logs in...
No luck so far.
I've spent possibly the most effort trying to squeeze out old emotions, because, let's face it, it's killing me inside, this jealousy...
He doesn't understand how loved he really is.
I'd die without him...
He leaves himself out when he can't handle things much longer,
and when things become challenging and overzealous, he gives up entirely.
I believe that if he keeps going as the recluse that he is, he may be the end of himself.
These thoughts scare the living shit out of me, but I really have been worrying.
He says he feels alone and like he's just in the way...
The only thing standing in my way, is jealousy...
He'll never be a burden. "That's no burden, he's my brother..."
My best friend...
I'm jealous of him.
He has the ability to be a great man, and I think everyone really should start trying to let him know that...
Let's face it, the boy is not able to be hated... I just wish he could see that...
Enough depressing things... Now on to my day.

Today, I listened to my mother complain about her stomach.
I called Kyle a zillion times.
My girlfriend had a church thing to go to a bazillion cajillion miles away.
I called some more.
I learned 2 songs on guitar.
"Use Somebody" by Kings of Leon
and
"You Belong With Me" by Taylor Swift.
I texted Megan for the first time ever today and felt creepy.
I let jealousy get the best of me.
I wrapped Kyle's presents.
I went so Safeway in a kimono.
I went and saw "Zombieland" with Kyle.
I ate a huge ass tub of effing popcorn.
I hate popcorn.
I drank a shitload of strawberry soda.
Kyle and I laughed our asses off for almost 2 hours straight.
Go see that movie as soon as you can.
I miss Hannah.
Since Friday...
I just miss her.
She was a beautiful person, and I assume she hasn't changed much, given all the shit she's been put through lately.

I wish I were on the trampoline right now...
Laying down, staring up at the sky...
The sky whose stars you can barely see because of the smog, but you look just hoping that you might see SOMETHING.
Yes.
I wish I had something to look up at or forward to right now.
I am tired.
It's been 7 days, 1 hour, 44 minutes since I slept last.
I don't mind.
I don't need the sleep.
I can dance on empty,
I can smile on empty,
I can pee on empty,
I can eat all of Kyle's PopTarts on empty.
Empty works for me.
Haha.
I just laughed.
I think it's because I'm tired...
Have you ever been soooooo tired that you become entirely delirious, almost as if you're on some wonderful drugs?
Well, I'm THAT kind of tired.
My brother is 40 feet away in his brother's room.
I want some more PopTarts.
Today has been kind.
Tomorrow should give me some mother. fucking. poptarts.
Goodnight fellow bloggers or readers.
Have a good while.

Until next time,

lots of like,

-mlw.

K: Friday.

2009-10-10T16:07:00.000-07:00

Ohhhhh jeez. Well despite some aspects, yesterday was pretty fuckin awesome. Nuff said.
I feel like I have great friends, and when I'm not with them I end up meeting new people.
Sure, they may not be my friends after that one time of hanging out, but man it was still great. I had fun.
Hawes was alright. I was a bit lonely, but I just spent the time thinking and scaring. Kind of relaxed. I was kinda paranoid though... xD

After Hawes... Meh.
I went back to Ash's and had to go straight to bed, which was fine cause I was really tired. But then he woke me up at 9, and I was soooo pissed. I hadn't slept all week, and I was so fuckin tired. Holy hell. I played Final Fantasy Tactics, which was entertaining, but I ended up extremely bored. I also realized that sometimes, when Ash is talking, I just get really irritated.
Some of that irritation comes from the fact that he orders me around all the time. The rest of that is I feel like he talks down to me, or talks to me like I'm stupid or don't understand anything. Basically he treats me like a dog. I don't like that.
So after trying to tell him to take me home for 3 hours, I got it out. I got home. I felt better. Now I have the movies to go to. I'm kinda nervous...
Why? I don't know. I guess I just don't like going out into public.
But now I have to clean my room and take a shower... Bye
Ha.
-Kyle
(Btw, I feel a bit better since my last post, and I haven't cried like that since so... :D)

M: Look At What's Right In Front of You...

2009-10-09T21:56:00.000-07:00

Have you ever just wanted to tell someone to look up?

To look up and realize what they are doing because, obviously, they have no damn idea what they are doing?

Have you found yourself green with jealousy and envious of those who have what you can't have?

When you see them with someone else, you want to rip them from that person's arms... Or I guess in this case, legs...

Ugh!

You find yourself waking up without this person and you don't understand why they aren't there.

You wonder why you even bothered when they're so obviously NOT over this person... Or the person's legs.

HA!

I laugh at jealousy, and I ask it why it visits me everytime they're together...

Then I remember...

I love one, she loves me, possibly the other, I can't be sure.

How the hell have I learned to deal with this?

God, I wish I could just let it go...

But this monster inside...

It rips and tears at me wanting to get out of me...

It wants to become me and all that I can be...

It's dieing to be out in the world, taking care of what I could have, what I want, what I need, what I don't have...

It wants life to be formed around my every whim.

I almost enjoy this monster...

I do not, however, enjoy the particular shade of green that it is.

This is the "sick-to-your-stomach" shade of green.

That one that makes you hurl without hesitation just at the site of it.

So, I ask you this...

What makes you jealous?

What makes you tick with rage?

What makes things unbearable?

Who makes you jealous?

What shade of green is your little monster?

How the hell do you deal with it?

The last question is the most important for me...

Get back to me, kiddies.

I'd love to hear what you have to say.

Peace and all that shit,

-mlw.

K: ... the end.

2009-10-05T11:49:00.000-07:00

...
So this weekend was busy. It had potential to be really fun and amazing, and I guess in a way it was, but because of it I realized something.
I am a burden, an annoyance, and I am useless. Not that I didn't already know this, but whatever.
Basically I feel like all weekend I have just been getting in people's way, pissing people off, and reassuring everyone that I am a stupid ass. I also feel that ominous shitty fucking feeling that I am losing them. Everyday it happens more and more, every little thing that I do just seems to piss them off. Another thing is they are always saying, "I love these things!" or "I'm so excited about this!"
And I get excited with them, but whenever there is something that interests me, they act like it's stupid...
Maybe I am stupid.
That's how I feel. Stupid and foolish. Why did I believe I had found a place in the world!? Why did I think I had friends. And now I can't stop crying.
GOD DAMMIT.
I'm actually crying... tears are falling from my face... and no one is here to witness it... I guess that's a good thing.
I feel so alone. My ridiculous paranoia is driving me over the edge...
But I'm scared because... this time... if I lose these friends... There's nothing to stop me from just offing myself.
God how I want to. What do I think!? Do I have friends??
Of course I do... Right?
I mean... are friends, really friends... if you give your all to them... and it's not enough?
Can I really have friends, when I'm not enough for anyone?
I mean, all weekend I have worried about them, thought about how I could help, tried to find solutions...
But towards the end of the weekend I felt so alone, alienated. I was in so much pain. Their pain, my pain. And the more turmoil I felt, the angrier I got.
I was hurting so much! I was falling apart! I'm still falling apart!
When will I get a friend who wants to help me!?
Sure, my problems are ridiculous compared to theirs, but I still hurt, I still cry, obviously... Even if most of the time the tears won't flow, I can feel them burning, dying to fall... Will they care then.
Do I have to cry for them to love me?
Do they have to see my pain to love me?
If it will help I will scream out in agony, which is all I have ever wanted to do!
But no! I put on a big fuckin smile and parade around for everyone, doing my best not to fail. And it's never enough. I'm still not good enough.
And the tears keep falling...
God... it hurts. So much.
This crushing loneliness knows no bounds.
What comes after this? Do I put my smile back on, and go back to them, pretending like I'm fine so they don't bitch at me fro being a stupid emotional idiot? Or do I just isolate myself...
Honestly everytime I let it out... and I mean I let it out... I told some of them almost everything... not quite, but a lot... And all they do is say, "Kyle, shut up, your depressing me"
Sorry I get sad too. Sorry I want someone to listen to me too.
But in the end, the only ones who listen, I trap in their house and yell it all out as they run away to the different rooms...
Fuck...
The end.

M: And By The Way...

2009-10-02T13:43:00.000-07:00

I never post anymore...
Except yesterday...
I talked to Kyle.
I guess he's just been bored!
=P

Anyways...
my point is...
I'm going to post more, I swearrrrrr.
=)
Now that I'm not grounded...
Oh.
And as my blog said a while ago, the one where my mom asked me if I wanted to get with Kanye West, I said I want to get with a Mexican before I die...
It happened.
=)
I totally got a Mexican.
Haha
Hmm.
So I was thinking last night... And I really have to get out of the house more often.
Like... I really do spend every second I'm not at school or with Franny, at home.
Or doing homework.
Sounds deliscious, right?
I know.
Ope.
Today, me and Cyndi decided we were bored with English, so we left and went and took tons of pictures in the bathroom.
It was by-far, the best day I've had in a few weeks.
My life has greatly improved since she came back...
She was always one of my best friends and someone I could talk to about things and just...
The girl is just FUNNY.
M'Best chick friend in a long time.
Oh right...
We ditched 5th period.
That's where I was.
So yeah... We took hecka pictures in the bathroom and ended up straightening hair and we decided we are going to have folders on MySpace just for pictures we take together because we take SO MANY FUCKING PICTURES.

Opeopeope.
I'm on the All-Star football team this year and it's going really well.
We've played 10 games and we're undefeated with one tie.
=)
It's bloody brilliant.
Seriously.

today we had two games and won both of them.
I think season's over next week.
Then I get to do swimming again.
=D
WOOT.
Mmmm.
Back to what I was THINKING.

Which wasn't much...
Actually, I entirely forgot all the things I was thinking about...
Uhmmm....

This is a HUGE post today.
Sorry about that.
Uhhh.
OH!
I guess I got some guy HOOKED to the L Word.
haha.
Figures.
Andandand...
I'm going to see a movie tonight with my OLDEST friend, Jahnica,
Her "Friend" Therese, and Franny.
This should be hilarious.
We're going to go see "Jennifer's Body"... AGAIN
That movie made me laugh more than any movie has in such a long freaking time.
No jokes.
Go see it.
"You're salty... Like soy sauce or whatever."

I've realized that my writing style has changed a LOT in the past few weeks...
But I've been spitting out songs like cowboys spit fuckin tabacco or some shit.
If my mom were to Google my name right now, she would not be proud.
:p

^That smiley face made me smile like no other!
Hmm.
I've gotten better at photoshop lately...
Like...
Tons better.
I turned Harriet Tubman into Yoda.
:D
It thoroughly excited me.
Seriously.

I'm drinking water,
I miss my beautiful twin brother, Kyle,
I want to be at the movies already,
"Jennifer's Body" is a dark comedy which makes me smile,
This post was a HUGE advertisement for sites and movies and beverages,
And... Kyle... You can hang out with me on Halloween.
:)
I miss you like no other.

Lots of like,

-mlw.

A Rare and Wonderful Thing

2009-10-01T13:09:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone.
Or I guess there are only three of you.
I haven't seen kyle in weeks and it's killing me!
It seems that his life has been in a downward spiral lately and it makes me want to cry.
I love you, Rainboy.
You're my best friend.
Back to my post.
I haven't posted in forever and for that, I am sorry.

So life lately.
Dispite the fact that I haven't seen Kyle in that long,
My life has been borderline perfect.
It's really weird.
After last year, with every drug and drink I consumed, I thought I'd never get out of it...
But damn.
I'm feeling good.
I guess this doesn't make much for a fun read...
I may or may not try to be funny.
Oh, one thing I'm excited about is the new Tegan and Sara album coming out.
It should basically be amazing.
And I'm sure Kyle will agree.
We will listen to it for a month straight, in his room or mine till 3 AM every single time.
It will be beautiful.
And then we will hire Amanda Palmer.
To do many many things with us.
It will be super awesome.
Anyways...
I like life right now.
And I'm sorry to say that I haven't been the best friend.
I think I'll go call my Rainboy friend and see what he's up to.

Lots of like,

-mlw.

Not the Nettles!!!!!

2009-10-01T09:52:00.000-07:00

Oh the horror that are nettles...
Mostly just cause they make the creepy guy in Salad Fingers even creepier...
Um... *cough*

I've been pretty happy lately. Despite the crushing loneliness I have been okay.
I have friends that love me and I get to hang out with them like, all the time, so who needs a guy?
Plus, I am kicking ass on Final Fantasy 5, and that's important(to me).
I guess life's been mundane-ish. Gosha I have nothing to say...
Isn't that sad? No rants!? COME ON!
I guess I'm pretty boring when I'm happy.

Hm..........
Uhm.
FUCK.
I have to have something to say.
I feel like this month is just packed full of shit to do. I have to really start workin on the library, I have to plan SOMETHING for Halloween, I have a dance to go to, and I am gonna help out at Hawes Ranch for almost every weekend this month.
I was gonna finally get to go to Stockton with Cambian for Halloween, but her mom said it isn't gonna work :/
Oh well, I'll figure out something to do... uh... I hate Anderson.

... Bye

K: It's almost 7...

2009-09-26T06:21:00.000-07:00

Hello.
I have been feeling a lot of emotion lately. I was really happy Friday morning, but once an hour passed, I was feeling sad, worried, and I had a drive to do my best to help those that needed it. After another hour I was dropping into apathy. This woman just went on and on in leadership, and afterwords I felt like I had so much pushed on me, I just felt like it didn't matter because there was nothing I could do.

I will also be adding the dream I just had
It was weird, I was in some kind of fantasy world. My brother was with me and we were sort of thieve types. All I can remember is that we were running from people, and we ended up in the outskirts of the kingdom and there was this huge complicated mass of trees and bridges that you have to climb to get to this REALLY special treasure. So me and my brother easily outrun the guards and since we are super athletic we easily jump and climb over the obstacles. Okay now let me describe the place a little bit. There are a lot of platforms as you climb in the trees. Below all of these there is this river/lake thing. Uhm... It's hard to describe.
We reach the last platform with minimal trouble, and it is really wide. We run towards the treasure, and I look back and there, just stepping off the bridge we just crossed to get to the platform... is Patty, one of the secretaries from school.

WTF!!!

So then her head transforms into this freaky doll eagle thing, and she runs at us.
Now here it gets a bit fuzzy. I know that we run from her, and somehow she disposes of my brother. I don't know if he died or not. So then I fight her. I dodge a lot and I hit her once in the face, and just as she's about to get me, I send us toppling over the edge. We barely land in the water, almost hitting the ground, and start fighting again. She hits me a few times, and I hit her in the ankle, and then I bite her side until she's screaming. After that I jump out of the water and start climbing the trees, heading back to the top.
It gets fuzzy here, but I woke up with a lot of pain in my side and a lil freaked.
Haha...

Um... Kyle out.

K: Half Jack...?

2009-09-21T10:18:00.000-07:00

I think too much. But well, this weekend was awesome. It was weird. It was awkward. But I still loved it.
I just felt like I relaxed, I got feelings out, I got ignored xD

I just felt alright about it. It was like a bubble bath. I loved hanging out with Hannah, Cambian, and Whitney over the weekend, and it was fun to hang out with someone new too, especially since he was just as amazing as the other three.

This weekend just reminded me that I have friends, and those friends have friends that I can be friends with too, even though it might not last or be as great a friendship as others. I'm rambling. Side-affect from the weekend.

Soooo...
My fucking pschizofrenic, druggy uncle tried to give me pot. It was fucking funny.
Of course being that I don't accept things from people I don't trust, I declined. But he still pulled over and smoked a joint. It made me laugh that I was like ive steps from Dakota's house.
I think I get on people's nerves though. I was really paranoid and stuff.
Hopefully though it was just the awkwardness of Cambian's house, because we went adventuring later, and everything felt fine...

Ramble ramble. I wanna write all awesome like Hannah and Cambian. They are artists. So is Justin. He can put just about anything to music and make it sound good. Especially the echoes.

I love having artistic friends. It's inspiring. Anyways........

Half underwater
I'm half my mother's daughter
A fraction's left up to dispute
The whole collection
Half off the price they're asking
In the halfway house of ill repute

K: Bubble baths and boxes

2009-09-15T09:47:00.000-07:00

Well I was an inch away from just cutting again.
But I took a bubble bath and wrote my box essay and felt strangely better.
Unfortunately every time I enter my pessimistic mood I get closer and closer to picking up my old bad habit.
"As the skin rips off, I cherish the revolting thought, that even if I quit, there's not a chance in hell I'll stop." - Bad Habit by The Dresden Dolls
I am sorta losing control of my emotions more as well, specifically my anger. This emotion is taking every advantage to get stronger, and it's biggest growths are happening every time I see her bruised or see that disgusting pig's face. I just start shaking and get the urge to start either punching holes in walls or just start punching myself. It's weird.
But I do believe that bubble baths are one of the greatest things ever. My stress melted away when surrounded by warm water, shiny bubbles, the calming scent of lavender, and the beautiful music of Chopin. It was a very nice experience. Afterwards I just watched videos I knew would make me laugh and that helped further the relief. Overall that was a very good ending to a boring, depressing day.

You see, everyone around me is either finding love, or getting fucked over. I am stuck in the fucked over category a bit. It's not the fun place. The lock-in definitely shoved that down my throat. I think everyone I was around was with someone, or talking about their someone. And half the people I wasn't hanging out with had someone too!
I was soooo lonely.
But I did my best to have fun, and therefore I did, but there were some lonely moments.
And the bastards threw away my cake. Fuckers.

My box essay did turn out interestingly though, and there are a lot of parts that I put in there to relate to my life, that I would probably have to point out for a reader to realize that. I kind of liked writing my general life story in box form. Of course when I just wrote out my life before I got onto the essay I got a bit depressed. I think I am losing hope.

My teachers also probably think I'm crazy since my emotion keeps leaking into little things, like journal writes.
We had a journal on 9/11 and I just went off. Fuck man, I surprised myself. I was a bit ashamed of showing my insanity and anger so openly though.
I gotta get control again. Otherwise... who knows what I'll do.

-Kyle
(By the way, I don't think Mariah even checks this blog anymore, so don't expect any updates from her.)

K; Well...

2009-09-12T16:37:00.000-07:00

Well. Eventful?
Naw.
Well... I guess when I switch to depressed is when I start updating my blog.
For the past few days I have had the song Bad Habit in my head in repeat...
"When I stab a sharpened object in, choirs of angels seem to sing, hymns of hate in memorandum."
I love that song. I guess it is helping my through this. I wonder if I am the same as the song says.
"Even if I quit, there's not a chance in hell I'd stop."
I think Hannah could understand this song...
I feel quite sad. I had a lot of fun last night though, don't get me wrong. Whitney was beautiful, Cambian was horny, everyone enjoyed themselves. It was nice.
But as I walked the halls. As I looked around myself. Everyone had someone. I felt so alone, it was awful.
And then they threw away the cake. I spent 2 hours on that thing.
Barely anyone touched it. I had most of it. I don't know, know one appreciates food made from scratch anymore. Cambian said it was good though...

I have a lot of school work, but no inspiration or drive to do it. Specifically the box essay. I could blow their minds. But no one would care, right?
In the anime shows, and the books, and TV shows, they make life seem so significant.
I have always lived by this belief. Everyone is important. Every soul is to be cherished.
But now... Nothing matters.
No matter what we do, scream, feel. Nothing will change. It will disappear in the long run. Our feelings, our memories, will reach none in the long run.
Basically I no longer see any worth in life. Golly gee, what a surprise.
So yeah, I wanna die a bit. But if I was to go for that whole "Let's kill myself!" thing, I'm not gonna do it immediately.
Naw I'll enjoy my last two years of school and off myself. Woooo.
Though it's probably unlikely. It sounds fun though.

Uhm... Yeah.

DRESDEN DOLLS FOR THE WIN
Fuckers trashed my cake
-Kyle

K: Lalalalala

2009-08-27T10:28:00.000-07:00

Alright, so uh...

My mom is bein a bitch. She wouldn't let me eat my cookies in my room, so I said, "Why can't I? I always take the dishes out of my room, and I don't make a mess with the food."
She says, "Cause it's a rule."
I think, well it's a stupid pointless rule. I say, "But it's a useless pointless rule, that you have no reasoning behind."
"We have plenty of reasons," is her reply.
"What are they?" I ask.
She says, "Well, um, you are just always being a recluse, and we wanna talk with you."

Why would I want to talk to a woman who won't let me eat cookies in my own room.

So tired of their crap I leave the cookies and go back to my room to work, which is what I was doing. She enters my room saying, "You didn't have to leave the cookies, you could've eaten them out there."
I say, "Well, I have stuff that I have to do in here, like this RFP. Besides, i don't want to be out there because I can't talk to you."

This was a mistake on my part, I should have never revealed information.

"But why can't you? You'll be the only gay kid without a connection to his mother!"
She says this because she is stupid. She thinks the only reason I do anything is because I think it will affect my gay or something... Oh my stars christians are stupid.

"I just can't connect to you, me being gay has nothing to do with it. I have always felt a wall between us, and well, I just cannot talk to you for long," I say to this. Of course by doing this I was giving more information, making her want to talk more. Fuck.

"Well let me get your dad, and we can talk about this."

"No."

"Yes, just explain it, and we will leave without saying anything."

"ugh, fine."

She gets my dad, they stand in my room, and wait.

And so I say, "Well, I cannot talk to you guys because your thought processes are on a different plane. Everything I say to you goes in one ear, is completely changed and turned into stupid mush, and then shit out the other side(I used different words.) It's just something that christians seem to do, you just can't understand me."

She says, "So we can just never connect."

"Yep."

They leave. They don't talk to me. They do unplug the internet, leaving me unable to do my studies work, and unable to listen to music or talk to Cambian. Assholes.

Also i got really mad earlier that day at school and am ever so closer to killing someone. *evil smile*

K: Good in theory.

2009-08-23T15:55:00.000-07:00

I think that's what I am. I sound good in theory, like so many other things. Like communism, and we all know how that went down.
But in practice, the workings of the human mind make it shit.
I hate myself. I am a constantly worrying, lazy, dumb, worthless shit. I feel cold and alone, unless I have my friends, who I use as "security blankets" to make me feel better, but in actuality I might as well just be leeching off of them.
I am so unbelievably sick of myself. It is so difficult to live with myself, trapped in my own mind. I am always bitching. I know it sounds like me usually, like now, but it's even more bitching this! Voices yelling over each other wanting to be heard!
And I can never get any work done. The only thing i can do is sit on my ass and focus all of my brainpower on either reading, anime, or RPG's. But I always finish them so fast... My research for Studies... it's going along slowly.
I just can't seem to think right >.<
Whenever I try to look up places we could go along the Sacramento River, my mind blanks, and I surf for a few hours, skim a few pages, and get about a sentence out of it all.
I am a failure.
It's just lovely because I have been fighting all of my painful feelings for a bit, but I have to take them eventually, and since I relaxed most of this weekend in preparation, I ended up putting on some music that triggered some old emotion.
I'm too emotional.

Maybe I should explain and think about why i believe I am only good in theory.
Well I am attractive(not my opinion, just the opinions of others, who I always suspect am lying.) but I am insecure. Now on paper this might make it sound like I might be handsome, but modest, and made happier but not overly prideful by compliments.
Well I am a bitchy little gay that sinks into a depression often because I feel like my friends are so much prettier than I am, which then makes me feel like an awful jealous person and makes me hate myself more.
I also happen to have been hurt a lot in the past, and fucked up shit has happened. Maybe the writer of my life story thought that that would make me the type who will be sweet and try and connect to and understand others, because I understand painful pasts.
Well that's in there too... along with some sort of mangled beast of emotion, hormones, pain, and most of the seven deadly sins. This thing crawls around in my heart, hurting me, creating cravings and desires that are not my own. I desire for others to hurt, I want them to feel pain.
We can relish in pain together.
I hate humanity. Hate, that's another one that keeps popping up there.
But I think my hate of humans is because of our great author's decision to make me want change for the better, to want to help the earth...
Well i guess my good will towards man was forgotten.
If only every human except for the ones with love in their hearts could live, and then all of humanities creations could just be wiped away... maybe some healing could happen...
Of course this just leads to me having murderous intent towards all humans that I find with darkness in their hearts, including myself.

I feel weak right now. School is gonna suck.

Ugh I feel like exterminating scum right now.
I'll just go to the one guy's house, ignore his bitch wife, and be like, "Hello asshole. Who's life are you gonna destroy tonight?"
And then I'll wrench a nice curved cool blade up into his stomach, and farther up into his chest cavity. And then I'll tickle his heart with the tip of the blade. Just scratching it.
I bet that'll hurt.
Then I'll shove it through.
I really hope he survives up until I jab through his black heart. I want him to feel it all.
Maybe I should slash his throat though. At least then he can't yell.
And then of course there is the problem of his wife.
She's a bitch.
Maybe she can join him ^-^

I feel sick. BUifjeadjfkfawofkj;sdfvaughijdfuahofijasfusikjf
Fuck

2009-08-22T19:18:00.000-07:00

Phewwww. This weekend was relaxing. I had a lot of fun at Hannah's house!
I think I might have bugged Hannah or something XD
I probably stayed too long >.<
Oh well, I'm sure everything is fine.

I have ended up thinking quite a bit. It's strange.
I cried a lil bit inside, and my chest really hurt badly this morning because I had a thought that brought SO MUCH happiness into my heart, and then brought an insane burning pain.
I saw myself with this guy that I have liked a ton since like, Freshman year. And we had been together for like years, and were still completely in love, and we adopted a child!
It was amazing.
It hurt.
Cause my future looks so empty and hopeless.
Oh well.

K: Junk in my head?

2009-08-19T14:24:00.001-07:00

I feel sick lately. Shaky. Really weak. I've gone from doing nothing to being completely active. It's intense, in a bad way.
I've been having weird dreams too! Like two nights ago I had a dream that me, Whitney, Cambian, and some older guy that Cambian was dating were in a car. The older guy was driving. So after a bit of us just talking, Cambian pulled back on the guys hair to make him look back, and kissed him. Suddenly the road turned(we were one of those windy mountain roads) and the car went through the railing and flew off the edge. As it started flipping I was thrown from the car through the window and hit the ground. I was a bit dazed for a bit, but I gathered myself and started looking for the car, along with my friends. A bit down the hill I found Whitney, doing the same as I was. She seemed a bit traumatized, but altogether okay. We continued on and found the car. It had landed on it's top, the roof caved in. Cambian and the man were dead. After this I woke up.
Last night i had a dream the I was some kind of strange alien. Most of it is fuzzy, but it was a creepy dream. I remember they kept me locked in this room, and would come see me because they thought I was interesting. I liked the attention. But in the end they found a group of others like me, and found them more interesting. They visited me one last time, just to tell me that they were done with me, and then they locked me away for good.
Ouch.
So that sucked a bit.
More people around me are feeling pain, and I hate it.
I hate people so much. Too much hate. Uhhh... *cough*
Ah! I remembered another thing that I wanted to get out. Just to get it written down.
Sooo lately I have been very very very lonely. Like extremely.
So I am picturing myself with every attractive guy i see, and that's a problem. I have also been a lot of fantasies randomly at random times during the day. They are almost always two specific ones, either me being an EXTREME slave and loving it, which I guess I always kinda guessed would be a fetish of mine... >.<
The other one is always me and a guy running to my house in the rain and laughing, but cold. When we get to my house no one is there, so we go to my room. We are both freezing. He starts to take my shirt off, and next thing I know we are throwing off our clothes and pushing ourselves against each other for warmth. It goes on from there. I uh... like the rain?
So yeah.
I wanted to say all of that junk.
I love Hannah and Whitna and Cambian and everyone else.
:D
~Kyle...
and junk.
v_v

K: As everything comes crashing down.

2009-08-17T20:23:00.001-07:00

I feel a bit overwhelmed. For most of school I felt sick. ROP was awful. Was it always this bad around new people?
It was bad enough riding in a bus where I barely knew anyone, and there were people that brought back memories of middle school. Dark years. Haha like the rest of life before high school.
Then in the ROP class I knew none. Not a soul. I was alone... Bad news for me. So I got super clammy, I got even more nervous than I had been all week. I felt like throwing up. My chest hurt so much I cried. No one noticed. That calmed me down a little. But the pain scared me, everything did. I don't like being around unknowns.
Well after that ordeal(xD gosha I'm a fuckin drama queen) I got back on the bus and went back to school, yay!
After that I just had to go to Trig/Precalc. It was easy going enough, but I think it'll get harder. Riley was in that class. He is a really close friend of mine, but he keeps pissing off and offending everyone D:
The rest of school was easy enough, I guess for the first day back it wasn't too bad. It's just gonna be a bitch later on. I just don't like the idea of going to school everyday... the pattern, monotony, everything sounds so scary.
Today I also was reminded that the possibility of happiness is so small, and that adults ruin everyone's fucking lives. Especially the lives of those that deserve happiness most.
I hate people.
And there is just another problem. Too much hate. I want to help save the world, but I can't, because this hate just flows out of me, endlessly. I have been so mentally destroyed that I hate so much. Mostly christianity, a good deal of christians, and creationists.
Holy shit creationists are dumb.
I think... I might be losing hope. Like, I don't care about life anymore. It's boring. There isn't really much good. There is far too much pain.
At this point the only reason I haven't already left is because, well, I still don't wanna hurt anyone. But then again, would it hurt anyone? Does anyone care?
HA! Of course they do... but something in my head drives me to question it, to fear whether my friends even like me. I know they do, somewhere, but somewhere else I fear they don't.
I guess it's just a matter of time before my paranoid side wins. And I lose all hope. And I forget love. And I die.
Wha!?
Funny right?

No worries, I'll still see everyone tomorrow.
I'm not going anywhere, but I think if I fuck up and start cutting again, that will be the indicator to run to my friends.
Ugh... bye.

-Kyle F...
Mr. EFF!!!
I LOVE JOHNNY THE HOMICIDAL MANIAC!!! HE'S SO ADORABLE.
BEST MURDERING PSYCHOPATH EVER!!!

K: ... Weird.

2009-07-26T22:37:00.000-07:00

Um... hello.
I've been up to a bit lately, but haven't posted posted anything for a while. Mostly because it was simply absent from my mind.
I've been feeling taxed lately. Everything seems to be weighing heavily on my mind, even small unimportant things. If it is to happen in the near future, I stress about it. It is so aggravating, and every time I get everything out of the way, my mind jumps to the fact that I am rapidly coming closer to leaving school, and then I have to deal with the real world.
Fuck me. I am gonna be stuck in the world, alone, with no talents, no money, and no one to help me.
All my friends will be going off to college, and going off into the world, and I will be stuck with no where left to go. Life is gonna suck. But in the meantime, I am gonna stick my nose in as many books as I can, play video games, be a little geek, and hope something happens.
I have been rereading Harry Potter. I love the series, it makes me happily dream of worlds with magic and whatnot. They just sound like nice alternatives to the endlessly boring and painful lives we lead now.
Earth is really a miserable little place. All we can do is go about our lives, defying nature and destroying life by way of our minds, while chasing dreams of supernatural men dubbed "gods" that watch over us and will punish us or reward us in the end. And of course while doing this we let our dreams get mixed up into reality and hurt those around us with "religion" and "desire".
All of the things we do are just excuses to hurt each other, or to bring ourselves up.
Is anyone really thinking of others? Or does it all come down to making yourself feel better?
I'm sure there are those who still try and help others that they care about without thinking about themselves. I strive to be like that...
Of course I have this sub-conscious drive in the back of my head to try and be pure and good. I want to be cute and clean. I belive this is a psychological problem brought on to my early... soiling... as a child. I was just exposed to things, and made to do things, that I should not have had to do, and now I am constantly trying to make up for it.
I have problems. We all do.
I am thinking to much, which is my usual problem.
I feel kind of pathetic, even as I am writing this. I'm just kinda depressing and worthless, and I keep telling myself to stop being so cruel to myself. Slowly but surely my word is becoming more and more worthless towards my own well-being. Luckily my friends have gotten the fact that they care about me beaten into my brain so well that I have a safeguard against harming myself. I don't want to. I don't wanna hurt them too.
I talk to much.
Bye.

M: Yes, my mother makes fun of me and I think I love a mexican girl

2009-07-18T22:26:00.001-07:00

So my mother and her husband and I were all watching TV and a Kanye West commercial came on.
My mother was like, "Mariah... You actually like him?"
I said, "Yes."
She stood up and was walking down the hall and turned around and looked at me and made the "mocking-mariah" face.
She was making fun of me and decided to say this:
"Mama, I'm not gay no more, I love Kanye West."
And then she decided to say this (no longer pretending to be me):
"Or wait... you could just be REALLY rebellious and date a black girl... Or a Mexican girl... Or no... an ASIAN girl. That'd REALLY stick it to us..."
Of course, she was only joking. She probably has no problem with me inter-racial dating. :)
I want to date a Mexican before I die. They tend to be gorgeous. :\

Hmmm...
I'm off to enjoy a night wtching continuous episodes of "Frasier" and "Will & Grace."

Good night to you all.
:)

-mlw.

K: I love this place.

2009-07-13T01:40:00.000-07:00

Whoa shit.
I'm having so much fun. I feel like I'm learning valuable lessons. Like how to cook. What to do when you are out of pot. What to do when your hubby/mom and Grandma have left, and it's just you and your sister/daughter against the world. I am growing up lmao.
So I am livin it up for like, a week. Then hell with the real fam, but at least I get to go to the coast.
I am feeling good, for one of the few times this summer. I have been anticipating this.
Hubby is dirty, she needs a shower.
I am too.

OH GOD THEY ARE ATTACKING FROM BOTH SIDES!!!
THE SHE-MONSTERS!!!! WITH THEIR CLAWS OF SKIN TEARING HORROR!!!!!

Meow. Kitties and spider say goodnight.
AAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THEY ARE TEARING ME APART!!!!!!!!!!!

M: Parties, Night time, Brownies, Sleep?

2009-07-11T15:06:00.000-07:00

So, this recent week, I had to help one of my best friends in the world move to Hayfork... It killed me. :(
We had a lot of fun in the 3 days I spent with her though. It was amazing and Trin took a picture....
Anyways...
Last night, I went to another good friend's (Jahnica's) house, (which is basically my OTHER house) and we wrote a song together I wrote the music and Jahnica did the words. She's a great writer... But I promised my mom I'd be in bed by one... We start getting ready for bed, right, and then At around 2:30 or 3:00 AM, Someone knocks on the door. Andrew. Drunk. Asssssss can be. It was terrible but unny but kind of sad in a way. He gets drunk and comes over to write love notes to Halie, and last night's note happened to be in a Taco Bell wrapper. I know. Saddddd. But, I am now deprived of 2 hours of sleep becasue of him, and I am not looking forward to being awake for the next 12 hours, like I need to be.
:\
I want to not be here tonight. My parents are throwing a huge rager party for Jeremy's (My step-dad) birthday. Because he loves UFC, we have set up a UFC Fight Night slash mexican dinner party, and they told me it will be huge. A "small get-together" for them is already huge enough, so a huge party should be even worse. I don't want to be here. Haha.
Anyways... Up in the right you can see my beautiful gay-lookin' self with my "BFFFSMFB!" holding a train and her wearing a helmet like a douche.

Anyways...
Lots of like,

-mlw.

PS. I'm playing an hour long set among a 3 hour event with some amazing musicians (I don't really know which ones are playing, but it sounds nice) on July 17th. Hope you can make it and sing along.
:)

K: I Am The Dancing Queen

2009-07-07T19:41:00.000-07:00

*wiggle*
My name is Kyle.
*wiggle wiggle*
I like to dance.

That aside. I feel really happy. I'm kinda just looking forward to going to Cambian's house, and all the happy things that will happen in my future instead of worrying about the bad.
Now that leaves me to do what I do as I wait, dream of playing beautiful classical music on my keyboard and singing my heart out. I love singing ABBA, it makes me feel amazing. I wish I could make money for this, but sadly I don't think anyone would pay to hear me sing. XD

Mamma Mia just started playing! I love this song!
Meryl Streep does a great job on this song.

Lately I have been annoyingly lazy, and being trapped in this house is driving me mad. I even lost my lighters D:
Well I don't have much else to say. What should I talk about?
Yesterday my dad went crazy!
He was uber tired and got really drunk and scared the shit outta my brother. I thought he was gonna hit one of us again. Fuckin' bastard.
In the end he just drove off in the car to who knows where.
Since he came back no one has mentioned anything. He is acting like nothing has happened, just like when he hit me the past two times.
It's aggravating. I want him to either quit all of the crazy, or just beat the shit out of me so I can leave with a reason that the court will agree with.

Ummm... I'm done now.
<3Kyle

K: 3 in the A.M.

2009-07-05T03:16:00.000-07:00

Here I am. Early in the morning. About to make some coffee.
Of course just as I started to make the coffee I was attacked by a rabid moth. Damn you moths, banging against my lights, flying in front of my TV during my movies, and scaring the shit out of me while you fly over my shoulder.

Anyways. I just got done watching He's Just Not That Into You again. I really like that movie. There are some sad parts, but the sweet happy parts... they give me hope. And, the movie makes me feel better about the way I act when I like a guy... because I am just enjoying the feeling of liking someone, even if it seems like nothing will happen.

I evaded Mothra, and my coffee is now in the process of going from grounds to liquid caffeine goodness.

I have been feeling rather lonely lately, but a thought has been pulling me out of unhappiness. I still get sad but, that's normal, and healthy. But I am overall... Happy. The thought is, my friends. I had never felt truly cared about before I found my good friends. Hell the first time I felt like I had REAL friends was freshman year, and now I have a set of friends that I would die for. That knowledge, knowing that there are people that are important to me, that I am important to. It's keeping me from falling too far.

One good thing I can mention is the fact that though I am in possession of cigarettes, I have not smoked them. I just don't need to. When I'm stressed I'll go through them in a flash, but right now I'm fine. I remember last time my friend sniped some for me was around christmas time. I smoked them all in two weeks because of my parents, haha. I'm glad that I'm not crazy addicted. Those things are bad for you.

Well I squished Mothra... Under a chopping board... The tweaker was going in circles on the floor... It had lost it's mind.
After that battle I went to get my coffee, and I got it in my cup, and I got out the coffee creamer, and when I poor it in, it's thick and lumpy.
Fuck me.
So I think, "It's okay, it smells good, and the expiration date seems fine... from what I can read of it, so let's just shake it." Next thing I know, the cap opens and it splashes everywhere. I wanted to cry a little bit. But it was okay, I cleaned it up, though the area is still a bit sticky. It's such a hassle to make coffee these days.

Today I went to my grandparent's Fourth of July barbecue. It started boring as all hell, like usual. But most of my cousins weren't there, and there were only two foster kids there, so I wasn't being annoyed too much. Eventually I went for a walk to visit Mariah, and since she had to leave soon I just straightened her hair and went back to my grandparent's house. I almost broke my phone on the way back though.
Once I got back we ate, and then I was so bored I took a nap. It was nice.
Afterward I watched Underworld Evolution, which was a good movie, and then I played Nines with the family and that was fun. So the day turned out pretty good, though it seemed like it would suck.

I think that my outlook on things has been getting better. I just hope to continue becoming happier, and gaining more self confidence so that when the right guy comes along I'll be ready emotionally ^-^
This has been another blog from me... I hope someone besides Mariah reads these.
Um...
Love Kyle<3

M: So... Have You.... Do You?... I'm Lost.

2009-07-04T02:06:00.000-07:00

So... This week has been... Odd.
I went camping for three days. Three excrutiating days.
My mother. Her husband. His friends. My uncle. His girlfriend. My little 9 year old cousin.
Thought I spent about 97% of my time on a quad, The times I wasn't on the quad were... Angry. Or I was asleep.
Anyways... I've had an interesting week.
I've been spending a lot of time with my parents and it's freaking me out. It's too much time with them. I am finally getting a break from them. I'm staying at one of my best friends, Jahnica's, house. It's nice, but there's nothing to eat.
I went to see some fireworks today, and they went "boom!" a lot and I didn't enjoy that. I'm not a big fan of fireworks. But tomorrow, Franny and I might go see the ones in Redding because I don't wanna get stuck alone with my parents and their friends like I do every year. If Jeremy didn't hate the idea of a boy sleeping over, (no matter how gay he and I both are) I'd have Kyle. But I can't. :( Hmmm... I wonder... No.
Anyways, I've been talking to all of my ex's recently, and it's really weird because we get along pretty well as long as we don't talk too much about our past relationships. Which is weird because I have a terrible habit of bringing up my ex's in the most oportune moments. Meaning that not-so-brilliant ones. :p
I think I'm going to go... I just thought I'd check in and see how things were going. And I thought I'd tell you all to watch Dr. Horrible's Sing-A-Long- Blog also because it's great. Jahni just asked me if I was blogging.
Heck yes I'm blogging.
I feel bad... I feel like the worst girlfriend in the world.
My girl is going to Europe in under ten days, and I haven't been able to talk to her for 4 days.
It's making me sad and it's kind of draining what's left of my emotions lately. I'm not saying that to sound depressing or like some "emo" kid or whatever you would consider it, but dang... Sierra Davis is that light at the end of the tunnel you always hear about. I mean... Seriously, if only you all knew. Then you'd understand. She's EPIC. anyways... Some kid tried to draw an X-Box remote and it looks like shizz.
Jahni had Taco Bell today, which was so Gah... Huh.
Anyways... I'm going to let her use the copmputer for a bit because I'm always using it when I come here.
Anyways... I want food, I haven't slept in days, and there's a bug on the screen that is pissing me off to no end.
So, before I definistrate this computer,
peace out,

-mlw.

PS. Jahni says "Mariah... You're... Like.... Famous?"
"What am I talking about?"
"Mighty Ducks" is playing in the background.
:p

K: Mmmeeehhhhhh!!!!!!!!

2009-07-01T12:26:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was an... iffy day. I really felt just awful. I still don't know exactly how that mood came around though. I guess I have just been really lonely lately and well, it's getting tougher for me to stay happy. I don't know why I let it get to me, I am just 15 yet I am getting all sad over the fact that I don't have a guy that cares about me... in that way, that I like back. I'm able to "survive" because I think about the people that care about me, and that makes me feel better. I also listened to a lot of Kimya Dawson. She is amazing. Always makes me feel better.

Later that night I watched Spirited Away. It's a movie, done anime style, that was really amazing. That completely lifted my mood up. But today I woke up in... some sort of confusion. I slept way later than usual, and I couldn't... gather myself. It was an awkward experience.

Lately I've also been noticing that I'm more... is obscene the word... I suppose so... I'm more obscene than I used to be, and more so than quite a few of my friends. I don't know how it happened, but I cuss so much that Mariah had to tell me to watch my language around her parents about a million times. I wish I was a kid again... and I wish I had more of a complete childhood. Instead I was forced to grow up too much when I was young, and I failed at it. I was so much of a child back then, I didn't even realize how... shitty everything had been up until that point, and then it was like a fog was lifted one day and everything crashed around me. Ever since I have been this awful, sick, fucked up freak child... Hell I was so bad before that I didn't make any friends that I felt close to until freshman year. Since I have become more normal, more kind and generous, more reserved, though sometimes I feel slightly less human. But as hard as I try to be this innocent little kid, there is this... ugh... darkness inside of me. I'm scared that who I am is just a cover, and that the real me is just some angry, cruel, horny, spiteful, revenge-seeking bitch. I don't want that to be me.
That's why I don't want to be human. Because that's how they all are.
Boy did I go off on an interesting tangent. I'm so weird >.<

One of my other late issues has been my brother. I love him so much, but I swear he hates my guts. I'm scared that he is gonna end up fucked up too. He is only in the 5th grade and is dating a bunch of girls and thinks he has been in love. What kind of a life is he heading towards??
Probably your typical asshole guy. Dammit.

Um... well that's about all I wanted to get off of my chest. I can't wait to go to Cambian's house sometime in the next few weeks.
Annnddd.... bye
<3Kyle

K: I'm gonna kill my computer while listening to J-Pop and watching Doogie Howser

2009-06-29T16:30:00.000-07:00

Mostly for Mariah's sake I am posting again, because she has been posting a lot, while I have only one post. Though it was earlier today. My computer is aggravating me to no end. One second it is fine and running rather quickly. Then everything starts freezing while I'm typing mid sentence, then while I'm waiting for the computer to be a big boy and catch up the browser closes and it opens Windows Media Player. What the fuck maan. I mean I know the computer is a bit old, but I've been good to it, I treated it better than the laptop... I miss the laptop*sniffle*
Anyways. Yeah this computer is a bitch. Moving on.

I just made my profile for this... site... blogspot, that deal. It's neat. It took about an hour to edit though due to said bitchiness of computer. I hope someone actually reads all of this, because I'm not sure it is worth the hassle of typing two sentences every 10 minutes.

What to talk about... hmm... I have been going all out with the J-Pop. It's all I listen to, except for the occasional Amanda Palmer music video. The language just flows very prettily, and a lot of the voices are amazing. Of course I find all of the music through anime, which makes sense. Utada Hikaru is one of my favorite J-Pop artists, and I found out about her through Kingdom Hearts. She is so pretty, and her music makes me happy...

And now we will talk about.... NEIL PATRICK HARRIS.
Why? Because I want to.
Who doesn't, honestly. I love him, he's awesome. I first realized just how amazing he is in Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog. He gave an awesome performance, and sang like a god. So after that one of my best friends Cambian and I watched loads of episodes of Doogie Howser, M.D.
It was fun.

Well I kinda just said a lot of random crap this time around. Now I'm off to watch Friends Season 5.
Hell yes.
Holy shit it took me a long time to get this finished.

Bye people
Luvs and junk
Kyle

M: this one will be short...

2009-06-29T15:03:00.000-07:00

Because it's much too hot for me to sit too far from the cooler.
I've been listening to A LOT of Lupe Fiasco. What can I say, the guy gives me chills.
:)

I went no a bike ride in too many layers and started thinking I was having a heart attack. It was just really really hot outside today. I went on an approximate 6 mile bike ride, and I thought I was going to die.
You see, when I wake up in a bad mood, I wear all of my "Nice" clothes, so I can feel better. SO I put on my black skinnies, my black tanktop with my white button-up shirt and my black vest on. I decided, "Hey, why not ride my bike. I haven't in 3 days." BAD IDEA!
I rode all the way to the Library, then around town, then came back and did my 4 laps. It killed me. But I'm getting really good at breathing during severe cardio activity, which I was REALLY bad at a month before I started being active. So I'm feeling fantastic.

I'm obsessed with this song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KUQoi3tJEYw&feature=related

So good. :)
I'm also obsessed with Twitter. :D

Anyways, I need to go sit my sweaty fat bum under the cooler for a LONG while. :D

-mlw.

K: Exhaustion and a reading mania...

2009-06-29T00:16:00.000-07:00

Ummm... this is my first post... that worries me.
I have never blogged before... or have I?...
I guess that's technically a bog on myspace.
Anyways... So yeah. Saturday was very tiring. I got to hang out with some friends that I had been missing for a very long time. We weren't sure what we wanted to do so in the end we walked all the way to the outlets, and stood in Rue 21 while Kristin and Laura went through the shoes and, ugh, 99 cent underwear. After what seemed like forever in there, they had to close. So we walked to walmart, and from there to blockbuster, and on the way I had a nice smoke. I wonder who reads this blog. That worries me a bit. Mariah will be pissed at me if her mom reads on her blog that I smoke. Moving on, we rented 28 Days Later, which had a very cute main character. I loved his hair cut, and they showed his cock in the beginning, which was the first time I had seen cock on a normal movie haha. After half of the movie we sat on the trampoline and talked while Kristin went crazy on some sort of scary but hilarious sugar rush. After they left I was tired from all of the walking.

Well the next day, at this current moment it is technically yesterday... but it was only a half hour ago. Um, the next day I read a lot. Even when I had to go hiking, I read the whole time. I walked all the way up a fucking mountain with a book in my face and still beat everyone with me to the end of the trail. It made me happy. But that was only more walking, with hills, and waterfalls. The book was good though. It was my second or third time reading it, but I still liked it. I am re-reading the Harry Potter series, which I am borrowing from Mariah. Ever since I finished the anime "Read Or Die" I have wanted to read like crazy. The anime is mainly centered around the author, Nenene Sumiregawa, and three adoptive sisters who can control paper. All of the characters except for the youngest sister, Anita, are bibliomaniacs. So I have started reading like I used to, and the joy it brings me is wonderous.

This has been an interesting way to introduce myself... Well I think this actually gtives a pretty good bit of who I am... kinda.

Mariah has been telling me that I have to post something. Of course my post is gonna be made at 12:30 in the morning. It's bloody early. Or late... whatever. She's worrying me. Telling me that we are gonna record this song we wrote, but I suck at singing, and I think that since I wrote like half the song it will suck ass. At least Mariah made the other half, so maybe it will even out a lil bit.

Um... this is Kyle...
Signing off?
:p

M: Today, in that vast, great water...

2009-06-27T20:32:00.000-07:00

I got SOAKED and LOVED it.
Today I went to the lake and rode on a boat and had the time of my life with my mother and some people I don't know very well. It was by-far, one of the highest lights of my summer. Forrrr sure.
So... I don't know what to talk about really... I guess I've just had an AMAZING day, because I love swimming and all that fun jazz. THen I got here, and I got so write a song. It was super fun too, because it's the first silly song I've written since3 the Tegan and Sara birthday song... That was last September. haha.
I discovered that Fjard is STILL fighting that stupid cat lady he keeps complaining about, and Jeff taught me that Cambian ate an orange and a sandwich today. I also learned that when one little boy gets mad at another little boy on a boat, one ends up getting pushed off the boat. Silly kids.
My mom thinks all of her friends are cute, she just said so. I laughed on the inside, because I find that often, we tell all of her friends that they are adorkable. It's nice. :)
Jeff, (Formerly referred to as "Dad" or "Daddy" or "Stone") went to a family reunion. He said there were a lot of people with blue eyes.
I got a sunburn today... A really bad one.
It hurts kinda. I kept saying "Mom, I need no sunscreen!" and "I don't need to flip over" but she was right. :p
It should turn into a tan soon.
hmm...
So, I'm bringing Kyle into the studio after I get a hold of Richard to record "I Jump First" which is a song that he helped me write... Nobody will EVER know what we wrote it about, because it's almost literal, too literal for any of you to understand, then again, it's entirely irrelivant. So, you'll all just have to wait and see on that one.
:)
So, I miss Kyle. And I miss Sierra. Kyle, I just missed because we didn't get to see eachother for almost EVER.
Sierra, has been doing the thing that most teens do over the summer, TRAVEL and HAVE FUN, unlike me. And I miss Jordan like no OTHER. That girl was my other half, my best friend that was a girl I've had in YEARS. (Amy, you're in there too. YOu guys should meet. YOu're both amazing.)
I can't believe everyone's growing up so fast.
That was a completely random sequence of feelings and thoughts and I think I'll leave for now and tell Kyle to blog soon.
=)

lots of like,

-mlw.

Here I Sit...

2009-06-26T13:53:00.000-07:00

Finally, I have caught up. Now, it took me 6 posts to get the OLD blogs I wanted up, but I finally am starting current ones. :)
yay.

Here I sit. It's nearly 2 PM, I'm in a room full of students, and I'm one a computer. I just finished getting my NovaNet (online Summer School) credits, so I'm doing this... I have not really planned what I was going to write.. I guess I'll write about my most recent 2 weeks, in list form. Fun, I know.

1. I've decided to support Democracy in Iran.
2. One of my best friends has moved a bazillion miles away against her will.
3. I went to a barbecue before my friend left, and was thrown into water more times than 4.
4. Made friends with someone I thought I would never be able to be friends with: Franny Reid.
5. Learned how to change the colours in my internet thing, so now, Mozilla blinks rainbows!
6. Gone to the fair with my mother, and had a lovely time. I haven't spent any time with her sober in a really long time. I missed that. She's actually... Nice sometimes... Who knew? (It's got to be work.)
7. Written a song with Kyle (Falconer, my twin brother) and it will be featured on my EP.
8. Been taken in be BinarySounds.com .... I love them. Great system. :)
9. Been offered free recording privilages. So I'll be in the studio as soon as possible and I'll start sending the EPs out when I'm done.
10. Gone to the library with Kyle and read for two hours, after he tried to sit on my bike and fell off almost.
11. Began taking driver's ed.
12. Gotten rid of 80% of my acne. (Go me!)
13. Gotten a Blogspot account. :)
14. Slept in past 7:40 ZERO times.
15. Fixed and re-fixed and fixed-some-more, my mother's HP. (Little does she know it, I will make her get a Mac.)
16. Written 9 songs that I don't hate and began recording Demos of them. :)
17. Bought water bottles, and recycled them, and encouraged my mother to do the same.
18. Updated my blog 16 times in one day, just to say "Hello" to Kyle.

HELLO KYLE!

19. Went to Wal-Mart, and had a lovely time.
20. Discovered that I was spelling phantasmagoria the wrong way that WHOLE TIME.
21. Had a teacher call my house to tell me she told me the wrong thing.
22. Gained 481 pages of Gmail Chats and.... They're all from only 3 people: Jordan, Kyle, Franny... Hannah. Okay maybe 4 people.
23. Myspace'd it UP, with some sexy jams... Kidding. I don't think I even know what that was supposed to mean.
24. Referred 17 people to the RonWinter Drum set. You should go to: ronwinter.tv/drums.html
25. Gained widespread excitement due to the realization that Tegan and Sara are bringing us more fantasticness in October. Shigga what? Daws rott.
26. Dear mom, we need more shaving cream. <3
27. Stuff.
28. Allowed Shyanne to kill 10THOUSAND trees by her need to write a note on EVER single peice of paper in the room.
D:
*She'll tell you otherwise, but she's crazy, so we all stopped listening*
29. No thank you, Shyanne.
30. Wirtten 30 things I did this week and refused to write more because this is a great number; 30.

:D

-mlw.

"She's Like A Cockroach, She Just Won't Die!"

2009-06-24T23:02:00.000-07:00

So, everyone's been heartbroken before or at least they will be before they die. My first word of advice: DO NOT SPEND $100+ on a blanket themed on their favourite movie. The reason? Because they'll get in a new relationship with someone who owns a fancy mustang and have sex in the back seat on the blanket you bought them... At least, those are the nightmares you have... Oddly enough, its nothing like christmas... Very few folks will understand that joke.
Anyways, seeing as its been all too long since I have blabbed about my life, I'll give you the lowdown...

In the past month, I have:
Been dumped.
Been Kissed.
Been Yelled at.
Been Faught with.
Swam in the lake.
Written 32 songs as of last week.
Devised a clever plan for getting swine flu.
Been asked to prom 6 times, saying yes to only one.
Mags. :)
Joined a band.
Tried to get back the only person I've ever loved so badly I'd kill for them, and lost to a boy, 3 years older, with a mustang...
(It'll be illegal next year anyways, so good luck with that one.)
I've gone to the mall exactly one time to read books.
I've made 14 CDs for that girl 6 of which she's gotten, 8 of which I'll never give her.
I've recognized that sometimes even though giving up is hard, it can be the best thing you do for your future.
I've learned that maybe I need to fix myself before I try to love someone else, and I've got a long way to go, but I'm working for it.
I've learned that franny and I are twins. We're both in love with the same person, who isn't talking to either of us and god only knows how we're getting to mexico for that swine flu...

I've noticed the warm weather and hated it.
I've been lied to.
I've been asked to prom by the sweetest human alive.
I've played 2 public performances and have studio days soon.
I've somehow collected numerous bruises from activities I don't remember being painful.
I've jumped into a pool fully clothed to prove myself.
I have spent almost exactly 46 minutes and 53 seconds explaining myself.
I've Gmail texted 2,563 times in 3 days.
I've been told that the best revenge is happiness.
For the first day in a month, I have been happy. Truly happy. And I think it's because I'm finally standing with my mind, not my heart. My mind tells me that I'm unhealthy in pursuit, my heart tells me pursuit is all that makes me happy.
I've read exactly 17 notes from the person I love most.
I've set fire to 17 notes from the person I love most.
I've favourited 60-something videos on YouTube that were songs about love by bands I'd never heard before.
I've discovered a new love for carrots.
I've discovered that good things don't always happen to good people. (Must I refer to the satiric stories of Saki?) Didn't think so.
I have twittered over 180 times.
I've slept 18 hours total this week.
I've been tired.
I'm going to sleep.
I'll dream about my past, present and future...
Maybe one day I'll meet that people's interest writer in new york again... Maybe one day, she'll love me again. Oh well, for now,
I'll dream of others.
:)
See you at prom maggie.
:D

Lots of like,
-mlw.

Another OLD Blog...

2009-06-24T22:57:00.000-07:00

March 9, 2009

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
"Oceans"
i swear, this life is like an ocean. it's all smooth sailing until you reach the dark parts. it gets a little choppy
and then you hit the big waves. sometimes, you lose a man at sea, and sometimes, they jump. i don't understand how the tides work
yet, but i do know this: life is an ocean just waiting to toss you around and flip you upside down. but i always want you to know,
if you ever fall overboard or feel like jumping, i will always be your raft. always.
and i guess i just dont know how to say it
but you're just so sticky sweet and i don't know how you don't see it.
you're the only reason for the smile on my face
and the beat of my heart loses count when you're out of trace...
when i fall, i fall hard and i'm scared of the dark
if i dig, i know that i'll find more than i bargained for, sadly
in my mind, i'm scared, in my room, i'm scared, in your arms, i'm scared.
i've done more than one can imagine to damage myself and i'm so close
to isolation, in these feelings of guilt.
i'm hanging on the edge of safe and forever and either way i know
i can't keep smiling forever, when the day's over, i find that darkness is friend,
if i weren't so scared of what it held...
once i knew you as "comfort", and a few times even "love"
then you pull the rug out from under me and tell me i don't make you happy
you tell me you don't make me happy...
assuming that you loved me once, assuming maybe twice
you dont really understand exactly how much i rely on you. for hope and comfort and love and things in between.
i really dont know how it happened, but for a second i was starting to believe you looked at me that way too. i mean, i know that
i'm not a dream. i dont know how i could be. i understand that. i just dont get how i got to be with someone
so amazing and let myself believe that they cared as much as i did
and let them hurt me more than anyone ever has.
i asked little of you. "just love me and be honest if you don't"
and i hope to some high power out there that maybe, just maybe, i might be over you soon.
you broke my heart, i don't think that needs to be explained,
but it's broken. i had hoped that the clothespins i used to hold my heart together were working,
they did, and for the briefest moment i felt loved.
i don't understand you, or what you want...
i guess i'm just meant to be...
lost?

Another OLD Blog...

2009-06-24T22:56:00.000-07:00

This one is from FOREVER ago. :)

Hello friends...

It's Mariah again... I know I post more blogs than I should and it's because I talk more than I should.

Now, here are five songs and albums and bands that have changed my life as of Midnight on Jan 1, 2009.

BANDS:

1. Tegan and Sara
The most amazing music I've ever heard. Easy to relate to, easy to listen to without getting sick of, and just... Straight up amazing. Without this band, I would be unable to cry again. I've actually learned new ways of getting out my frustrations, because "nobody likes me, maybe if I cry" makes me cry. For some reason, I feel like they've helped me the most. For real.

2. Ani DiFranco
This is typical of a Tegan and Sara fan to love, but I've grown up with Ani playing in the background. She inspired me to pick up a guitar and write and make music. I got my first guitar when I was 6 and my first words were, "Now I can be like Ani, mom!" It was the happiest moment of my life.. (Next to June 7th 2008 of course...)

3. Band of Horses
There's a song...By this band...It's called "Is there a Ghost in my house?" and it gives me absolute chills each and every time... The breakdown into the chorus is beautiful. Just... They're beautiful all together...

4. Kaki King
She has this thing... Where you can tell RIGHT OFF THE BAT, that it's her. I love the chances she's taken, between using a new style of music, and being "out" and a bunch of other reasons why I think she's amazing and her work is amazing.

5. AFI
...Endlessly, she said....

SONGS:

1. Versant - "Push Away (Full Demo)"

First song to make me cry in a long time. "I keep fighting the wind so you know, why..." Brilliance... And how can you resist the pretty face of Carah Faye and her caramel voice? You really can't...

2. Tegan and Sara - "Nineteen (Spinner's Interface)"

All I can say is "Wow." There's nothing else I can say that covers how intense I feel about that song... It's the story of my life. Really.

3. Oceansize - "Frames"

I didn't like ANY of their songs, until my friend Daniel, (Of bands: Grasping At Straws and Score One for Santa,) sent me the song, "Frames". I didn't listen to it, and pretended I did for a couple hours... Then i got curious... I found that it's the most progressive peice of music I've ever heard. (Along with work from artists such as King Crimson and Kaki King, etc.)

4. Ani DiFranco - "Pick Yer Nose"

I laugh and want to pick my nose every time... Kidding... About the laughing... :)

5. The Reason - "We're So Beyond This(ft. Sara Quin)"

I know exactly how you feel, dude who wrote that song...

5. Bakini Kill - "Rebel Girl"

I want to be one... teach me your ways, BK.

ALBUMS:

1. Bruce Springsteen - The Greatest Hits Album (thing)

ONE PHRASE... "THIS IS RADIO NOWHERE, IS THERE ANYBODY ALIVE OUT THERE?"

2. Tegan and Sara - All of their Albums...

Each and every album by them shows progress, an impecable amount of effort, and fan connectivity. And it's just CATCHY music.

3. Brisbane Falling - Willing To Be Ill

Not only have I grown fond of the music, but I've grown fond of the musician. Charlotte is amazing and so is this set of tunes... From what I hear, if she keeps going, she'll be big one day... Yes. Big. But not fat.. Maybe "P-H-FAT", but no plain ol' fat... She has a six-pack. Mmmhm. Great jams.

4. Northern State - Can I Keep This Pen?

Possibly the funniest band I've heard in years. They can be dead funny about the dead serious topics of this earth. I.e. The politics, and of course, the most contraversial, OLIVE GARDEN SOUP, SALAD, BREADSTICKS meal. Ten billion thumbs up and many more to come.

5. Death Cab For Cutie - Plans/The Photo Album

Brilliant work, from the words, to the music. Absolutely entrancing. Really.

So that was my 5 of everything review... Now go blog yours!

all or lots of my like,

-mlw.tea.mariah.

Another OLD Blog...

2009-06-24T22:55:00.000-07:00

January 24, 2009
Later that Day...

-This morning, I woke up in fetal position, sideways on my bed almost
hanging off of it. I then got up grumpily and took a shower after an
amazing bowl of Mini Wheat's. After my shower, I was informed that I
get to get my bank account all figured out today. It was super awesome.
I now have like... A checking/savings account thingy. Woohoo! I'm
obsessed with a new band called Heathers and you should check out the
music recommends section of the site to see why I'm so in love with
them.
New news: I GOT A NEW SONG UP. Everything in my backpack
smells like my friend Sierra. It's weird. She sprays her perfume one
time and the whole thing smells like it, including all of my books and
my PE clothes. Odd, hey? Yes, quite. Anyways, I just thought I'd drop
by and say hello to you all.
Thanks tons and don't forget to check
my MySpace for that new song, and check the "Where You At?" section of
the site for show dates for next week.

Lots of like,

-mlw.tea.mariah.
AKA
Sasha Fierce.

An OLD Blog...

2009-06-24T22:53:00.000-07:00

January 24, 2009

-It's intriguing when you realize that you're growing up, not because everyone looks
older or more mature, or because you've grown boobs and stand above
5'8", but because everyone around you begins to get stupider, make
worse choices, and everything just seems... Wrong?
It's like, you've
grown up with these people you seem to have known forever, and you
don't feel any older and they don't seem any older, and everything is
the same, you're just more aware of things around you and what's REALLY
happening, but as soon as there's a little tiff with them, you feel
older than ever, stupider than ever, and they feel intimidated as
ever. It's like there's a time in your life when you have to give up
the people that mean the most to you, because they are no good for you.
People that cause nothing but a huge cloud of disruption and chaos and
trouble behind them, and never take the blame, are not good for me.
These last few minutes have masked the endless love I shared for these
people, and six years of dedication, drama, careful choices of words,
and the ones that hurt the friendships most are, "Your parents don't
know where you are. Come home."
It's days like this you have to
wonder... "Have I done something so wrong? Sorry for caring and hoping
that maybe, just maybe, you could resolve your problems for once
instead of running away."
Today, is a day to go down in the books,
so aptly titled, "The Day The World Stood Still and Our Minds Grew
Dim." Today is a day that I will remember always, as my day of
recognition. People will let you down. People who you care the most for
will think of you as a poison, out to corrupt them or vise verse. It's
days like these, songs like, "Soil, Soil" and "Where Does The Good Go"
inevitably become stuck in your head. It's days like these, that your
world collapses because you care too much...

No, I did nothing wrong. I cared. I loved for the time allotted. I wished for better. You me down, friend. You let me down.

All of my love, spent and wasted, and WE JUST COULDN'T WAIT TO GROW UP.

This reminds me of a poem...
"Your close friends become strangers,
lollipops turn into cigarettes, the innocent ones turn into sluts,
homework goes in the trash, soda becomes vodka, kisses turn into sex.
Remember when getting high meant swinging on the playground? When
protection meant wearing a helmet? When the worst thing you could get
from boys were cooties? Dads shoulders were the highest place on earth
and mom was your hero? Your worst enemies were your siblings, race
issues were about who ran the fastest, the only drug you knew was cough
medicine, wearing a skirt didn't make you a slut, the only thing that
hurt you was skinned knees and goodbyes only meant until tomorrow? And
we couldn't wait to grow up.
"

-mlw.tea.mariah. AKA Sasha Fierce.

First Things First.

2009-06-24T09:40:00.000-07:00

I'll be posting old journal entries, along with their dates and times (if I've got them) and when I'm done with that, I'll start posting NEW things. Thanks for stopping by. Have fun, kids.

-mlw.